Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 217.5 lbs. (!!)

Ugh!!  I am having a bad weight, mood, exercise, marriage AND hair day! And it’s not even 10 am.! I am grumpy, ache all over, feel as if I’ve been hit by a truck both physically and emotionally, and have already had an argument with Tom while I was in the bathtub! (This one is a long story but relates to the fact that our cable has been out and the technician was slated to come this morning.)

It continues to be drizzley here and I remain unsure if I hurt so much because of the dampness (which can trigger my arthiritis), or perhaps more likely, the reintroduction of sugar into my diet. I tried to be better yesterday and was only somewhat so. I ate a moderate diet of the usual things (eggs, some cheese, leftover tuna salad sandwich pieces), but fell off the wagon when I decided that perhaps the best way to tackle the problem of those candy boxes, was to just open and eat up the damn things. Seriously! I thought that this may dampen the power of their call, and lessen the mystique surrounding them and just what types of candy they held. So…off came the wrapper on the Whitman Sampler that Tom got from one of his bus kids. And, out went any semblence of self control, common sense, will power or sanity! I ate 3 pieces before I took a breath, and later, ate another. And, since I was “cheating” anyway, I also had some honey wheat pretzels, cheese nips and a half a bagel, all left behind from gatherings and what not.

The only good news here is that now some of this crap is gone. The bad news is obvious! I know that once gone, I will not allow such foods in this house anymore, and Tom agrees wholeheartedly. He is even worse than me, and yesterday I think he ate like nothing but sugar for every meal. And, he is diabetic!

So, today, we are both feeling guilty, bloated, yucky, achey and stupid. Was it worth it?! Of course not. Am I cured of such stupidity and compulsion…of course not! At eight months out, I already see how easy it is to get off track and possibly regain the weight. This is a very sobering and scary thought, but even so, not yet one that has served to stop me in my tracks. The food has got to go, and this I believe is the only solution when my will remains weak. Am I having a different experience than others at this stage, or have you too struggled with choices to this degree? I wish I could say that my pouch did more of the work…but clearly, it doesn’t and this still leaves me grappling with my demons at such times of “stress” or excess.

This having been said, I must go work out at least…I usually do this before posting, but I hurt too much today to feel limber enough right off the bat. Now that the cable guy isn’t coming after all, I can dress messily, sweat and do my thing. At least this remains a steady commitment and should help me feel and remian a little in control. Although unfortunately not enough to counteract my dietary sins fully.

For this, I must own it, learn from it, exercise control over it, and move past it. Sounds like a plan! Right…?