Necessary Mutilation

Weight: - - - - -

Today I weigh nothing, like any good astronaut on duty in space. My Christmas gift to myself is a hiatus from today’s weigh-in. If you ate what I did yesterday, you would want the same!

Starting with breakfast, yesterday was more about nonstop eating than nearly anything…. This is a sad statement, I think, about priorities, culture and indoctrination - but who am I to buck tradition!

So, after a fine breakfast with good friends, of omelets, bagels, bacon, sausage, hot iced buns (I DID skip these!) and juice, we were compelled to eat again just hours later, at Zoe and Dennis’ house.

In between, we did manage a visit to Kris at the hospital, and this was a very sad and somber reminder that not everyone is able to participate in or enjoy this special time. Although Kris is getting care from the medical part of the hospital, her psychiatric symptoms were most notable, and sadly, she has been taken off nearly all of her psych. meds as they were effecting her medically. This not only includes her anti-psychotic medication, which has left her highly delusional and paranoid, but her mood stabalizing meds, which even more disturbing, has left her detached, depressed and curled in a near fetal position of emotional misery. She hardly engaged with us at all, “greeted” us by saying that she thought that “we had all died”, and never acknowledged the stuffed animal we brought or our attempts to engage her in any form of meaningful conversation. Additionally, she came there without the glasses she needs to see, or the hearing aides she needs to hear. We can only wonder if this is because she destroyed them, which she has a habit of doing such that medicaid can’t keep up with the demand to replace them, and she is then without for periods of time. The doctor that I spoke to said that she was highly agitated, self injurious and unable to speak whatsoever upon admission, and actually sees her now as having improved to a degree that she found to be “miraculous.” Although I appreciate this concept, it is ludicrous for me to consider her current state as anything other than tragic.

I did advocate as best I could that they consider alternative mood stabalizing medication, as when Kris spirals into depression, she enters such a black and inconsolible place that even her current state would look good by comparison. And I do beleive that she is on her way downward, given her apathy and detached manner. The doctor said that they would continue to consult with the psychiatrist on staff, keep us informed (which is more than I can ever say for the Psych. center!), and likely be discharging her next week when they are sure that the infection she came there with has been fully resolved.

I wish that there was more that we could do or say in the face of this. Poor Kris - a medical and psychiatric conundrum, who in past years would accompany us joyously to Christmas events, and squeal with delight at everything we did. Please keep her in your thought and prayers, once again….

We almost felt guilty, and I know I felt haunted by an unshakeable sadness, as we then headed over to our friends house. Fortunately, Zoe, who is also a Compeer, appreciates the commitment, knows Kris, and has a match of her own that she too is currently upset about. This helped bridge the transition from this somber visit to the festive atmosphere and happy gathering of many at her house. And we did have a good time, talked and laughed and ate heartily as is expected. The many course meal was enjoyed by all, and of course, I did partake in all 47 courses!

I am glad today for the respite from temptation of this sort, and the need to be extraverted. I so hope to have a quiet day of rebalancing and solitude…although I may break out of this long enough to catch a few after Christmas bargains! Otherwise, mercifully, we have nothing much planned for today or tomorrow. I have already worked out today, after having skipped yesterday, and feel swollen and stiff and achey all over either from the non-stop rain, muscle atrophy, or excesasive eating of carbs and crap.Yestersd Or all of the above.

Unfortunately, there remains a legacy of leftover cookies, candy, breakfast foods and other “bad” edibles everywhere I look. It didn’t help any that many of the children that Tom drives to school thought that he would like boxes of chocolates or cookies for Christmas, and merrily gifted these to him. Everywhere I look are reminders that the holidays are not really over yet and there remains a landmine of days and temptations before sanity and good dietary sense resumes. So, even our own house isn’t “safe”….

Yesterday, while talking with Dennis’ parents about my surgery and weight loss, I was thinking forward that the next time I will likely see them is the next holiday season, nearly a year from now. I was imagining myself thinner then, perhaps down enough that I no longer look “fat.” Then, I had a horrifying thought that in fact, what if I gained the weight back, and was “fatter” instead - especially after touting the virtues of the surgery and my efforts to date. This thought so horrified me, and it is the first time so far that I have had it, that I hope to remember and use it to my advantage to NOT do just this. I am aware that I have entered into some shaky ground and that this has undermined some of my self trust and confidence, and that I need to run in the other direction sooner rather than later if I hope not to have this thought become reality. If it were, I don’t think I could stand myself or such gatherings again - and don’t know what I would do. So, this having been said, I will exercise renewed will and do better to ignore the calls of chocolate and other goodies, if they must continue to share space with me. And, if I had my druthers and Tom were willing, I’d send them packing to skinny people who can handle having them around!