Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 214.9 lbs.

(In case you’re stumped on today’s Xmas title, think Faith Hill).

And boy, isn’t life so different not even one year post bypass?! This holiday season, by far, is more healthy, happy, energetic and hopeful than last, when I hardly decorated because it was too much of an effort, dreaded gatherings ‘casue I looked and felt so fat, and ate my way through every event. (OK - well maybe the latter isn’t tooo different - ha ha.)

Seriously though, I do feel that I am amongst the living again, and had nearly forgotten how good this feels. It helps me to reread old posts and remember how bad I did used to feel, as it continues to provide motivation for my current mission and fuel optimism and gratitude. I remain off track at times, but as Tom pointed out recently, it is all still so much better than the past me, and by comparison, he doesn’t see me doing as badly as I may think.

Yesterday we did eat at the casino buffet, but I stayed pretty on track with healthy choices/high protein items. I had some shrimp, a few bites of steak, some chicken, cooked carrots, chili and was full to the degree that any dessert item held no appeal so I didn’t even go up to see what was offered. Earlier in the day and while at work, I munched on the healthier leftovers from our gatherings, and a banana.

We won exactly $100 last night, and then spent a fifth of this on the way home buying  foods for our upcoming Christmas day breakfast. It is hard to find decent breakfast foods and none of my friends are dieting or anything, so I fear that this will be another “lost” meal. Although omelets with lots of veggies are gearing up to be the main course.

Getting back to gratitude and the changes from a year ago, I have been thinking a lot lately about how well oiled and limber I feel and what a new experience this is for me. Although I do continue to suffer from arthiritis and can get very stiff after sitting and my hips may ache and throb at times, most of the time I feel so fluid when I move that it is nearly an alien feeling. I assume that my daily exercise helps with this a lot.

Also, sometimes in the shower or whatever, I am amazed at how much less of me there is to cover, or find a previously hidden bone or a curve I hadn’t had before. Plus, this sounds wierd, but my face and head actually feel smaller when I wash my hair, and it causes me to startle as if I am accidently washing someone else and I have to stop and think for a minute.

The best change has to do with breathing, however. Yes, simply breathing. I no longer feel such pressure on my chest, and don’t feel labored with everyday activities. Breathing is effortless and even when laying down, I feel like I draw full, deep breaths. I continue to comply with using my c-pap, and am slated to have the air pressure reconsidered again, sometime next month, I believe. I may never wean off this entirely as I have heard that it is often the most intractable problem and rarely resolves itself, even after significant weight loss. And as was commented here some time ago, probably unless I get down to skinny/goal or beyond, apnea likely will persist. One step at a time….

Lastly, I am grateful to be so much less self conscious now, and no longer feel that I am so heavy that this is all people can think of if they were to describe me. Tom said that when he sees me he thinks of chubby or a little chunky, rather than full out “fat” as in the past. Now for many, chunky would be a repulsive adjective and they would be deeply wounded. For me, it is a compliment that I cherish, and a far better way of being seen than the sun blocking, lumbering, beheometh oft he past. It truly is all relative, as some who are starting at my current weight are likely horrified at such references or my seeming tolerance of such a high number. But, hey, for me to be down a now solid 90 lbs., this IS a wonder! (And I am no longer super morbidly obese or even grossly obese, but “simply” obese according to the bmi calculator! “Overweight”, here I come! Echhh…..sigh.)

So, as we head into a new year and celebrate all that the holidays represent, I want to add my voice to the masses who have also undergone bariatric surgery or have found other ways to address their struggles with weight, and “toast” to the concept of new beginnings, opportunities and health!! There can be no greater Christmas gift, than this!