Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 214.7 lbs.

How I mananged to lose weight at this moment in time must be a testimony to the powers of the metabolic aspects of gastric bypass. (Which a lot can be read about in the “Idiot’s” book, btw). I guess the bottom line is that the lasagna and candy I ate yesterday as well as the rest of the buffet the rest of the week, have NOT defeated me. The good news about this is that it supports my sense of optimism that I can and WILL get back on track soon and don’t need the universe to punish me too hard for my transgressions to appreciate the need for this. The bad news, is the way the number on the scale can fuel misguided beliefs and denial, and now has lulled me a little into feeling somewhat like I can act with impunity. Which, my more rational mind knows is NOT so, and that even if now I have a metabolic advantage that may counteract my “cheats”, this won’t continue to be so later and this is my window for learning and exercising better control and choices and developing better habits.

 I, probably like most others, get it and full well know when I am being dumb. I actually was wondering aloud yesterday whether it is an acceptable thing to sacrifice weight loss for a few weeks in order to live it up with food, at certain special times. Like now, of course. Is this an acceptable, if conscious, trade-off? Is this really playing with fire if one really does intend and then does, get back on track in short order afterwards? How damaging to the body, psyche, integrity of the mission etc. is this really? Am I in la la land about this? Does anyone else ponder such things? Being true to honesty and the innermost thought here, I am confessing on myself, and hope no one considers this advice or a consideration to emulate, btw. I now feel that I should add this clause given the fact that I am “published”, lol!

So…here we are at Monday and have a little reprieve from all the eating and fun of the past days. (Although tonight we must do our usual freebie playing at the casino and will likely eat there while at it).

 I remain weary, but content, and had some peaceful, melancholy moments last night reflecting on how blessed I feel to be surrounded by such good people, freedoms and wonderful opportunities. I was thinking during the delightful visit with Tom’s family, how nice it is to be part of a fun and happy group of people who enjoy one another and celebrate with gusto. I talked some with Kay about family traditions and expectations, and as I listened to her, realized that in my small and joyless family, we had none and holidays were just as likely to be fraught with trauma and bring about disaster, as they were to be enjoyed. Abuse and dysfuntionality tends to do this, especially when tensions run high and people who have issues gather.

So, now I feel especially happy to have been accepted into a kind and fun loving family who instead of arguing, sings Christmas carols with Paul at the helm with his guitar, and who reminisces about earlier days of lore. And for having a wonderful husband at the core of it all, of course, and good friends who are there at every juncture. And will be returning again on Christmas morning for a homemade breakfast here.  

Happy…but still pooped….