I Should be Shot!

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

Weight: 217.4 lbs.

There have been many times that I was stymied as to why I wasn’t losing, or worse yet, why I had gained or was hovering endlessly, weight wise. This time isn’t one of them! I am aware that I am 100% to blame for any gaining or stalling that I do. I was as “bad” as I’ve been since surgery last night, and amaze even myself at how off track I let myself get. I think that I even went to the “party” with the mentality that anything goes, and set no real limits for myself before or during the event.

Also, as it is really something that Tom belongs to and as a result I don’t know anyone and tend to feel socially awkward, my “company” became a big plate of food. No one else sat at our table and the event was strangely poorly attended compared to past years, such that when Tom wandered off to talk to the chief of police or whoever, I was left alone and uncomfortable. Not an excuse, but I am trying to portray the scene of the crime.

Anyway, they had a full dinner of rolled roast beef, rolls, salad, many pasta dishes and potatoes, as well as dips and chips and desserts of all kinds. Everyone is compelled to bring a dish to pass to accompany the main meal, and most people, unlike me who brought a store bought nut and candy platter, cooked or baked their little hearts out. It would be rude to not try a little of everything, right? (Sarcasm for those who are unclear about this!)

Anyway, suffice to say, try everything, I did. Including small bites of many of the dessert dishes. To the point of stuffedness and discomfort and guilt. Like old days. Like I never had surgery. Like I still weigh 300. Like there was no tomorrow. Like I could care less about the path I am on. Like I am stooopid!

So today, I must take stock and re-evaluate myself and my priorities, and question once again, what evil forces lurk and what I need to do to counteract these. And why I can eat as much as I can. At 8 months out, can my pouch have grown back to stomach size? I still wonder why it takes so long for satiety to register for me, or am I just ignoring the signals? Of course yesterday, I moved past “full” to stuffed both consciously and purposely. Clearly I tested the limits and lost, and once again, am sobered by the fact that I can’t rely on my pouch to tell me when to stop or where to draw the line. I need my faulty brain to do this, and clearly yesterday, it was on break.

Sigh…today should be equally as interesting, but I hope to approach it with a more intelligent perspective. I have worked out extra hard already, and plan to eat eggs for breakfast, as everyone knows that these tend to dampen the appetite as well as provide a good start for daily protein. Yesterday I had cereal, which right off the bat set me into carb mode, and by lunch time I was flush with shakiness, hunger, and the hypoglycemic feeling of disorientation and dizziness. I did this to myself too by not prioritizing protein and eating carbs., especially in the morning when I seem to be most sensitive.

So…I am hopefully ready to embrace a better day, eating wise, although admittedly the french onion soup at Panes may be too much temptation to skip! At least I am honest!

Stay tuned…!

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