Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 216.6 lbs.

…if only in my dreams!

Seriously though, I obviously won’t be even remotely skinny this holiday season, but must be grateful for what I HAVE achieved and how much better I feel and healthier I am this year compared to last. Frankly, I was half dead last Xmas - an eating machine with little hope, no sense of future, and an inability to do most anything anymore. In retrospect, I was barely functioning and food was my only solace.

Now, I feel perky and limber and am no longer encumbered by my weight, even if I still have many pounds to go to goal. I can do everyhting that I want and need to and have a restored sense of optimism and enthusiasm. My body no longer interferes with my plans, and I don’t have to consider WHETHER I can handle certain activies as simple as shopping trips and outings, before heading out the door. I have the stamina and physical tolerance for everything on my plate (no pun intended!)

There is no better Christmas gift! And I was the only one who could give it to me! And I have high hopes for an even better New Year!

Sometimes it’s better to measure life by where we have gotten rather than where we yet have to go. I used to have a poster in my office that read “Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.” In this, I am content and blessed, despite that I am not all “there” yet and frankly, may never achieve “success” as measured exclusively by numbers. Somehow I don’t ever see myself as a 125er, or a number that doctors may find fitting for such a short (5′2 3/4″) smalll framed woman as myself. But, that’s ok. I prefer to measure by fitness, comfort with myself and attitude.

Lately I have read postings at on-line support groups and other places, from post G.B.ers who lose rapidly, yet feel fat still or find little joy from their achievemnts. Many refer to still seeing themselves as heavy, and others, to feeling little difference in pleasure or  happiness as they had anticipated that they would when they signed on for this process. I wonder if some had unrealistic expectations that weight loss would fix all that was wrong in their lives, or that losing weight would fill in gaps in esteem, ego and contentment that were likely absent for reasons other than obesity, in the first place.

I feel sad for people who struggle in this way, and also think that for many, depression can stem from such a radical life altering experience and the absence of the often one thing that brought comfort in the first place. When one can’t turn to food anymore or eating becomes a chore or a painful experience, this must be shocking to the psyche. I have been fortunate (as much as I sometimes complain about this same thing) that eating has not become a negatively reinforcing experience for me, and I still enjoy it and don’t perceive myself as deprived in this way. If I did, I fear that I too would have “issues,” especially if other aspects of my lifestyle were also out of balance or I derived little happiness from my everyday routines. I suppose that this is where my hedonism is a blessing too! I may not have had many opportunities for play or abandon in childhood, but I am surely making up for all this deprivation now! Thankfully, I do believe that this has staved off what would have likely been an inevitable depression for me too. Especially in the earlier days when I struggled with becoming accustomed to the “rules”, adapting to the changes and was uncertain that I had done the right thing given how emotionally strenuous everything was.

I hope for those who do struggle, that they may find peace and strength by seeking support whereever they can. Months back, one of my friends who filled in here in my absence, wrote an entry exclusively about the importance of support and provided many recommendations to this end. Continually taking self inventory and examining ones thoughts, feelings, beliefs, expectations and defenses can also help. Everyone is unique in areas of body image, how history has shaped ones drive and ego, and what one hopes to acheive through weight loss. Also, one’s methods for coping, defenses when things are difficult, beliefs about themselves and their place in the world, and self image as a deserving and good person, differ and can make or break one’s success and attitude at critical stages of the process. I know that I have many demons to not only be aware of, but to fight off and work with, or it is easy for me to succumb to negativity or be sucked under by apathy, denial or depression.

Well, lest I sound like the wierd psychologist who did my pre-screen, I will stop now! I so appreciate those who have found this blog helpful and are brave enough to come forward and say so…but also hope to touch those silent yet struggling folks behind the scenes and if possible, provide some semblence of support or guidance through my own struggles and my honesty in reporting on these.

In more mundane matters, I am aware that I am entering into times of temptation and excess. Tonight is the Police Club Xmas party, and every year they have an unlimited spread of goodies of every type. We have been going each year since Tom had taken a free course from our local police station that taught him what they have to contend with on an everyday basis. He loved the 13 week class years ago, and we still enjoy the cameraderie from this annual event. And food.

Tomorrow night we head to dinner with friends at one of my favorite restaurants, Panes in North Tonawanda. Oh, the French Onion soup is to die for!  A big melty crock of cheesy, oniony perfection. Arghhh!

Then, on Sunday, we attend our metal detecting club’s annual Xmas party - also replete with endless food and goodies.

Yesterday, Tom drove me to work in the afternoon and what started out to be an uneventful ride in, turned into a blizzard half way there. So we got all the way in, and rather than sending Tom home to come back for me in 4 or 5 hours, he stayed there while I called all my clients and somewhat expectably discovered that only one was coming in to see me after all. Tom waited while I met with her, and then after a 90 minute work day, we drove to nearby Danny’s for a late lunch of salad and soup bar and half a turkey sandwich. And I ate like 3 bowls of  soup, a little salad, and the whole half of sandwich. Winter makes me hungry!

So…it should be interesting to see how I fare in these landmine days of cheer…and as always, I won’t lie to you about it! So for those who feel the need to feel in better self control than me, I’m sure I’ll give you fodder for your sense of superiority. And for those who need brutal honesty to assuage their own guilt or feel more normal or not alone about their own indulgences, I’m sure that I’ll satisfy you too!

Sigh…Happy Holidays!