Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 217.5 lbs. (!!)

Ugh!!  I am having a bad weight, mood, exercise, marriage AND hair day! And it’s not even 10 am.! I am grumpy, ache all over, feel as if I’ve been hit by a truck both physically and emotionally, and have already had an argument with Tom while I was in the bathtub! (This one is a long story but relates to the fact that our cable has been out and the technician was slated to come this morning.)

It continues to be drizzley here and I remain unsure if I hurt so much because of the dampness (which can trigger my arthiritis), or perhaps more likely, the reintroduction of sugar into my diet. I tried to be better yesterday and was only somewhat so. I ate a moderate diet of the usual things (eggs, some cheese, leftover tuna salad sandwich pieces), but fell off the wagon when I decided that perhaps the best way to tackle the problem of those candy boxes, was to just open and eat up the damn things. Seriously! I thought that this may dampen the power of their call, and lessen the mystique surrounding them and just what types of candy they held. So…off came the wrapper on the Whitman Sampler that Tom got from one of his bus kids. And, out went any semblence of self control, common sense, will power or sanity! I ate 3 pieces before I took a breath, and later, ate another. And, since I was “cheating” anyway, I also had some honey wheat pretzels, cheese nips and a half a bagel, all left behind from gatherings and what not.

The only good news here is that now some of this crap is gone. The bad news is obvious! I know that once gone, I will not allow such foods in this house anymore, and Tom agrees wholeheartedly. He is even worse than me, and yesterday I think he ate like nothing but sugar for every meal. And, he is diabetic!

So, today, we are both feeling guilty, bloated, yucky, achey and stupid. Was it worth it?! Of course not. Am I cured of such stupidity and compulsion…of course not! At eight months out, I already see how easy it is to get off track and possibly regain the weight. This is a very sobering and scary thought, but even so, not yet one that has served to stop me in my tracks. The food has got to go, and this I believe is the only solution when my will remains weak. Am I having a different experience than others at this stage, or have you too struggled with choices to this degree? I wish I could say that my pouch did more of the work…but clearly, it doesn’t and this still leaves me grappling with my demons at such times of “stress” or excess.

This having been said, I must go work out at least…I usually do this before posting, but I hurt too much today to feel limber enough right off the bat. Now that the cable guy isn’t coming after all, I can dress messily, sweat and do my thing. At least this remains a steady commitment and should help me feel and remian a little in control. Although unfortunately not enough to counteract my dietary sins fully.

For this, I must own it, learn from it, exercise control over it, and move past it. Sounds like a plan! Right…?

Weight: - - - - -

Today I weigh nothing, like any good astronaut on duty in space. My Christmas gift to myself is a hiatus from today’s weigh-in. If you ate what I did yesterday, you would want the same!

Starting with breakfast, yesterday was more about nonstop eating than nearly anything…. This is a sad statement, I think, about priorities, culture and indoctrination - but who am I to buck tradition!

So, after a fine breakfast with good friends, of omelets, bagels, bacon, sausage, hot iced buns (I DID skip these!) and juice, we were compelled to eat again just hours later, at Zoe and Dennis’ house.

In between, we did manage a visit to Kris at the hospital, and this was a very sad and somber reminder that not everyone is able to participate in or enjoy this special time. Although Kris is getting care from the medical part of the hospital, her psychiatric symptoms were most notable, and sadly, she has been taken off nearly all of her psych. meds as they were effecting her medically. This not only includes her anti-psychotic medication, which has left her highly delusional and paranoid, but her mood stabalizing meds, which even more disturbing, has left her detached, depressed and curled in a near fetal position of emotional misery. She hardly engaged with us at all, “greeted” us by saying that she thought that “we had all died”, and never acknowledged the stuffed animal we brought or our attempts to engage her in any form of meaningful conversation. Additionally, she came there without the glasses she needs to see, or the hearing aides she needs to hear. We can only wonder if this is because she destroyed them, which she has a habit of doing such that medicaid can’t keep up with the demand to replace them, and she is then without for periods of time. The doctor that I spoke to said that she was highly agitated, self injurious and unable to speak whatsoever upon admission, and actually sees her now as having improved to a degree that she found to be “miraculous.” Although I appreciate this concept, it is ludicrous for me to consider her current state as anything other than tragic.

I did advocate as best I could that they consider alternative mood stabalizing medication, as when Kris spirals into depression, she enters such a black and inconsolible place that even her current state would look good by comparison. And I do beleive that she is on her way downward, given her apathy and detached manner. The doctor said that they would continue to consult with the psychiatrist on staff, keep us informed (which is more than I can ever say for the Psych. center!), and likely be discharging her next week when they are sure that the infection she came there with has been fully resolved.

I wish that there was more that we could do or say in the face of this. Poor Kris - a medical and psychiatric conundrum, who in past years would accompany us joyously to Christmas events, and squeal with delight at everything we did. Please keep her in your thought and prayers, once again….

We almost felt guilty, and I know I felt haunted by an unshakeable sadness, as we then headed over to our friends house. Fortunately, Zoe, who is also a Compeer, appreciates the commitment, knows Kris, and has a match of her own that she too is currently upset about. This helped bridge the transition from this somber visit to the festive atmosphere and happy gathering of many at her house. And we did have a good time, talked and laughed and ate heartily as is expected. The many course meal was enjoyed by all, and of course, I did partake in all 47 courses!

I am glad today for the respite from temptation of this sort, and the need to be extraverted. I so hope to have a quiet day of rebalancing and solitude…although I may break out of this long enough to catch a few after Christmas bargains! Otherwise, mercifully, we have nothing much planned for today or tomorrow. I have already worked out today, after having skipped yesterday, and feel swollen and stiff and achey all over either from the non-stop rain, muscle atrophy, or excesasive eating of carbs and crap.Yestersd Or all of the above.

Unfortunately, there remains a legacy of leftover cookies, candy, breakfast foods and other “bad” edibles everywhere I look. It didn’t help any that many of the children that Tom drives to school thought that he would like boxes of chocolates or cookies for Christmas, and merrily gifted these to him. Everywhere I look are reminders that the holidays are not really over yet and there remains a landmine of days and temptations before sanity and good dietary sense resumes. So, even our own house isn’t “safe”….

Yesterday, while talking with Dennis’ parents about my surgery and weight loss, I was thinking forward that the next time I will likely see them is the next holiday season, nearly a year from now. I was imagining myself thinner then, perhaps down enough that I no longer look “fat.” Then, I had a horrifying thought that in fact, what if I gained the weight back, and was “fatter” instead - especially after touting the virtues of the surgery and my efforts to date. This thought so horrified me, and it is the first time so far that I have had it, that I hope to remember and use it to my advantage to NOT do just this. I am aware that I have entered into some shaky ground and that this has undermined some of my self trust and confidence, and that I need to run in the other direction sooner rather than later if I hope not to have this thought become reality. If it were, I don’t think I could stand myself or such gatherings again - and don’t know what I would do. So, this having been said, I will exercise renewed will and do better to ignore the calls of chocolate and other goodies, if they must continue to share space with me. And, if I had my druthers and Tom were willing, I’d send them packing to skinny people who can handle having them around!

Weight: 214.9 lbs.

(In case you’re stumped on today’s Xmas title, think Faith Hill).

And boy, isn’t life so different not even one year post bypass?! This holiday season, by far, is more healthy, happy, energetic and hopeful than last, when I hardly decorated because it was too much of an effort, dreaded gatherings ‘casue I looked and felt so fat, and ate my way through every event. (OK - well maybe the latter isn’t tooo different - ha ha.)

Seriously though, I do feel that I am amongst the living again, and had nearly forgotten how good this feels. It helps me to reread old posts and remember how bad I did used to feel, as it continues to provide motivation for my current mission and fuel optimism and gratitude. I remain off track at times, but as Tom pointed out recently, it is all still so much better than the past me, and by comparison, he doesn’t see me doing as badly as I may think.

Yesterday we did eat at the casino buffet, but I stayed pretty on track with healthy choices/high protein items. I had some shrimp, a few bites of steak, some chicken, cooked carrots, chili and was full to the degree that any dessert item held no appeal so I didn’t even go up to see what was offered. Earlier in the day and while at work, I munched on the healthier leftovers from our gatherings, and a banana.

We won exactly $100 last night, and then spent a fifth of this on the way home buying  foods for our upcoming Christmas day breakfast. It is hard to find decent breakfast foods and none of my friends are dieting or anything, so I fear that this will be another “lost” meal. Although omelets with lots of veggies are gearing up to be the main course.

Getting back to gratitude and the changes from a year ago, I have been thinking a lot lately about how well oiled and limber I feel and what a new experience this is for me. Although I do continue to suffer from arthiritis and can get very stiff after sitting and my hips may ache and throb at times, most of the time I feel so fluid when I move that it is nearly an alien feeling. I assume that my daily exercise helps with this a lot.

Also, sometimes in the shower or whatever, I am amazed at how much less of me there is to cover, or find a previously hidden bone or a curve I hadn’t had before. Plus, this sounds wierd, but my face and head actually feel smaller when I wash my hair, and it causes me to startle as if I am accidently washing someone else and I have to stop and think for a minute.

The best change has to do with breathing, however. Yes, simply breathing. I no longer feel such pressure on my chest, and don’t feel labored with everyday activities. Breathing is effortless and even when laying down, I feel like I draw full, deep breaths. I continue to comply with using my c-pap, and am slated to have the air pressure reconsidered again, sometime next month, I believe. I may never wean off this entirely as I have heard that it is often the most intractable problem and rarely resolves itself, even after significant weight loss. And as was commented here some time ago, probably unless I get down to skinny/goal or beyond, apnea likely will persist. One step at a time….

Lastly, I am grateful to be so much less self conscious now, and no longer feel that I am so heavy that this is all people can think of if they were to describe me. Tom said that when he sees me he thinks of chubby or a little chunky, rather than full out “fat” as in the past. Now for many, chunky would be a repulsive adjective and they would be deeply wounded. For me, it is a compliment that I cherish, and a far better way of being seen than the sun blocking, lumbering, beheometh oft he past. It truly is all relative, as some who are starting at my current weight are likely horrified at such references or my seeming tolerance of such a high number. But, hey, for me to be down a now solid 90 lbs., this IS a wonder! (And I am no longer super morbidly obese or even grossly obese, but “simply” obese according to the bmi calculator! “Overweight”, here I come! Echhh…..sigh.)

So, as we head into a new year and celebrate all that the holidays represent, I want to add my voice to the masses who have also undergone bariatric surgery or have found other ways to address their struggles with weight, and “toast” to the concept of new beginnings, opportunities and health!! There can be no greater Christmas gift, than this!