Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 219.1 lbs.

Today I weighed exactly what I did yesterday - to a tenth of a lb! I love the new scale because it measures so precisely, but also because I was starting to suspect that some of my weight fluctuations might really be scale issues. So, now I feel more confident that I will have a more accurate read on how I am really doing at any given moment.

I just weighed myself again today as I have returned from a Thanksgiving eating frenzy and am already wondering what this might cost me, weight wise. I logged in at 220.8…not bad, considering my dinner! We went to Zoe and Dennis’ as planned, and they had every traditional dish known to man. And, I ate at least a bite or two of all of them! This included: stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, spinach casserole, yams, cranberry sauce and olives. I filled my plate as I might have in the pre-gastric bypass days, which was stupid at every level…but at least I then pushed the excess away (to Tom!) before filling up past my pouch’s capacity. Being that this was my first holiday extravaganza since surgery, I think part of me was testing myself out to see how I could manage in such a situation. The good news is that I didn’t feel different or deprived in any way, but the bad news is that I ate heartily, “bad” things, and reminded myself of the old me in some ways. I even had a few pieces of candy corn and nonpariels from the basket factory assortment that we brought - both before and after dinner. AND, the insides of a small piece of pumpkin pie, and one bite of zucchini bread.

I can’t even say that I am stuffed after all of this, and still amaze even myself as to how much I can comfortably hold. Thankfully such special occassions and opportunities for overindulgence don’t come around every day…as if things were up to my willpower alone, I fear that I still have not learned my lesson or have the fortitude to resist. It sucks to admit this, but it is the truth and I must be mindful, like an alcoholic, to not put myself in such situations often. Interestingly, I am not great with buffets, but manage to do typically better than I even did today, for some reason. Perhaps it is the dispensation that I knowingly allowed myself today due to the holiday. I need to work on this!

In other less food oriented news, we did visit Kris at the Psychiatric Center today, and it went ok. However, shockingly, when I called a few hours ahead to ensure that she was up to it and all, the nurse who answered told me that they have already had to take her back off of the clozaril, as her blood values became compromised while on it. She was quite certain that this would harken another decomp. and that the visit we planned for today would again likely be our last for some time as these priveleges would soon be suspended as her mental status spiraled back downwards.

Today however, she was pleasant and happy to see us, although very preoccupied by internal stimuli. She talked more to herself than to us, and when she did carry on a conversation with us, it was about things often not based in any current reality. We’d be sadder and more upset about this, except that she seemed benevolently content for the time being, and her delusions seemed innocuous and were perhaps uplifting and interesting enough to distract her in seemingly positive ways and give her alternative realities more pleasant than her own to consider.

Tomorrow, Tom and I plan to rise early and  test our luck with black Friday bargains, and will probably throw in the towel after a store or two and when we realize the futility of it all. It is clear that this process is not for the faint of heart, and I am not sure that even a great deal is worth it. But, we have a few choice things picked out and plan to brave at least Office Depot in the wee hours.

Then, we will be off to the casino for some playing, R&R, and no doubt, a good meal.  If I don’t manage to write here tomorrow, I either got trampled to death at rhe store, or we are still mesmerized by the slot machines and were unable to peel ourselves away before midnight. Given these choices the latter is the better option - but may also mean that the money we worked so hard to save at 5 am went up in smoke just hours later, along with any semblence of a sensible eating plan, sleep and our integrity. Hmmm….       Nah…!