Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 220.5 lbs.

Well, I have given a lot of thought regarding my decision for the job, and am inclined towards turning it down without looking back. I feel a combination of relief, sadness, resignation and worry that I am looking a gift horse in the mouth. I have gotten some interesting and diverse opinions from friends, ranging from taking it for the experience and opportunities it may present, to “are you crazy, you can’t even consider such a low offer!” One friend went so far as to call the amount demeaning and about the salary of a beginner in this profession, and beseeched me not to consider it both for my good and for the good of the overall profession, citing that as social workers, we are often all to eager to sell ourselves short and accept crumbs, and that to take this would basically amount to setting the whole profession back for all.

The reality, at the sake of sounding cocky, is that I could find a far higher paying consulting job elsewhere if I were so inclined, and/or could even become a private practitioner given my experience, certification and the ability to accept numerous third party payments. The appeal of this particular position was that it would allow me to work with a population that I enjoy and am familiar with, and in an agency and setting that has a solid reputation in our community and that, as my supervisor so eloquently says, “is taking over the world.” People Inc. is, I believe, the largest not for profit organization in this area, and offers so many cradle to grave services to people in need, that they have a hand in every pot, and will likely survive whatever crazy cuts this field/health care may suffer. I unfortunately feel less certain about the status of my current agency, based on the constant grousings and teeth gnashing from administrators that I am privvy to as a current employee.

Just the same, I have decided that I will call on Monday and decline the offer, regretful yet hopeful that it will somehow be all be for the best and will be ok.

This morning, Tom and I went shopping, including to Barnes and Nobles (I just love it there!), Home Depot, and a gift shop where I used the $20 gift certificate that I had won some time ago at a chinese auction. Then we went to the Ukraine church where they had a bazaar, and enjoyed several hours of their trash and treasures sale, chinese auction, vendors and crafts. We won two big baskets, including one that I haven’t torn into yet, but looks as if it has some boxes of chocolate in it! (And coffee(yum!)  and cookies (eek!) and cute kitchen items).

Anyway, as you can see, I still value my free time tremendously, and without worry right now about a 2nd job,  can also focus more clearly on some personal goals for the coming year. One relates to self care, including exercise, diet and dressing better! I have continued cleaning out my closet in earnest, and am proud to now say that ALL of the too big clothes are in the garage, and I no longer pine for them! Instead, I “shopped” in the basement, and have brought up several smaller clothing items, including several pairs of non stretch top jeans…you know, ones that actually button!! I am delighted to get back into “normal” jeans that don’t look like maternity clothes, and I must say that I can absolutely see and feel the difference in wearing better fitting things now. I also found some nice sweaters and shirts, and feel that I have a beautiful interim selection of “new” clothing items to choose from for every dressing occassion. I still may have a more fashion sensible friend check throught these for me, but for now, even I can tell that they are much better than what had been in there. I was a little sad however to find several clothing items that I had managed to outgrow both on my way up AND my way down, and therefore NEVER successfully fit into  and now must donate or sell them without having ever been worn.

Otherwise, this has turned out to be a positive and cleansing experience, even if I won’t be having a new job to wear them to anytime soon.

And diet and exercise wise, I am doing what I consider to be very good lately. I have been eating largely healthy items and portions, and haven’t missed a day of working out in a while. I actually rather look forward to it now, and it has become a habit and a routine. Soon, I will add some new machines or reps. to the equation - perhaps when my period is over and I have stopped aching. Right now, although my appetite has dropped off as it does at this time, I feel rather sh****y and would probably benefit more from a good nap than a bike ride!

Speaking of…Tom is down for the count and I can hear him snoring from the bedroom. Our friends Janet and Debbie are due over in a hour, so I don’t dare tempt myself in such a way, as knowing me I’d sleep through the bell or I’d awaken, groggy and grumpy, with what little hair I have left sticking straight up for my 2 best friends to laugh at. Perhaps I’ll make some coffee instead…! I feel as if I deserve it!