Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 222 lbs.

…everything in my closet, apparently.

The last two days at work I have solicited my colleague and friend Nancy’s opinion about my saggy, baggy attire, and she has been honest enough to answer me!

It seems that the word is that I am looking “casual,” which is a euphemism for frumpy, outdated and with sizes “that shouldn’t extend out so far from your body.” Although I can decorate and redesign the most hideous room in a heartbeat, I am completely useless when it comes to dressing myself, and Nancy has now agreed to come over some day and help me pare my wardrobe down to whatever may be left that fits and is stylish. I have a feeling that I will be heading to work naked once she gets a look at my closet.

So, after work today, I began the job of trying on and sorting through some of my clothes myself. It’s kind of like cleaning your house before the maid is due because you are embarassed for her to see it messy (not that I would know from personal experience, or anything!)

Anyway, I realize anew that I have no ability to gauge anything, and that for some reason I still find some 26/28 sized clothes to look good on me, even though they also fit 80 lbs ago. Is it possible to have the same clothes fit spanning an 80 lb. difference in weight?! I mean, they admittedly look a little loose, but they are comfy and I like them and I am already grieving at the thought of outgrowing them altogether. What is wrong with me?!

Nancy was right when she said that I would probably be stubborn and difficult to work with in this closet cleaning endeavor - hell, I can’t even stand to work with myself. Basically all I did was move things from here to there, and although I made a pile of some things that are humungo on me, I still feel as if I should hold on to them “just in case.” My OCD/hoarding issues have kicked in, and I think the best I can do is to relegate certain items to a different closet as the thought of getting rid of even the illest fitting clothes from the turn of the century, is still too painful a prospect for me. Oh, they would so kick me off “What Not to Wear”, and clearly an episode of Hoarders should be made on me. Of course, even in that show, they compel you to divest, and this would likely be ugly!

So, I should consider suggesting to Nancy that she read this entry and either prepare herself for what she is likely to encounter here, or give it up altogether. On the other hand, I MUST make some wardrobe changes, especially as this new job (that I have the third interview for tomorrow) is not as likely to understand or be as tolerant of my casualwear as somewhere where they have known and loved me for 15 years. Plus, I don’t really want new co-workers knowing about my history with weight problems and surgery (at least not right away), and noticing that my clothes are ill fitting and wierd.

Damn…my back is probably against the wall here and I may just need to get over it, accept real help and try to wrap my head around some new styles and sizes. It is wierd how I am so attached to my big clothes, although I think that I have read about others feeling similarily in similar situations. I have no concept of size or style either (never had!), so this doesn’t help any.

In other news and what has led to this good dilemna in the first place, is that I have been doing very well with my exercise lately. I have added a few reps. when time permits, and yesterday, I really enjoyed the long walk to the convenient mart and then library where there was the lecture and book signing on the local Bike Path Killer. It was very interesting and I found myself alert and focused despite the late hour, and I think that this was due to the invigorating walk there (and the coffee we got from down the street beforehand).

Then, although we got home late, long lost friend Rose had left a message on the machine, so I called her back and ended up talking until past 10:00. This is very late for me! Anyway, we finally coordinated our schedules in the sense that she is going to join us with our preexisting plans to go to a benefit for a cat charity that we belong to, next week Sunday. She too loves cats, and is down to 4 of them from a number that escapes me, but had been much higher. Anyway, we will have mega catching up to do, so we have decided to eat out beforehand, making this day what will likely be a very long one.

Between you and me and whoever reads this blog from around the world, I am so hoping that this new job will both want me, but be ok about not having me start until the new year. Maybe the process of meeting with HR and the like, plus that fact that we are coming up on a landmine of days off, will deter them from taking me on right off the bat. I sure hope so, as there is so much going on everywhere, and in my new found zest for life, I hate to miss anything or find myself too weary from work to take it all in! Maybe in 2010 I’ll have my priorities a little straighter! (Or maybe they’ll take one look at my clothing and reconsider the whole deal!)