Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 223.5 lbs.

Well, Tom called me at work today to let me know that the woman I interviewed with had left a message on our answering machine. I had him play it into the phone, and it sounds as if they do want me and just have some papaerwork requirements to settle before procceding. She said that she hoped these would be resolved by early next week, and to please be patient with them. The primary queston now remains whether they will in fact meet my salary requirements, but I assume that they have already decided to or she likely wouldn’t have sounded foregone about hiring me if they hadn’t (??)

Now, you’d think that I’d be exhilirated about this. Instead, I feel uncertain, anxious, torn AND exhilirated, if this is possible. I am a mass of contradictory emotions, and remain unsure of what I wish for. Certainly I love the work I do and the population I serve, and welcome a chance to do more in this capacity. I also welcome more money, and a more productive work week. On the other hand, I am very comfortable and familiar with my current routine and expectaions, and worry that I will be upsetting my equilibrium irrevocably. I have become accustomed by having the opportunity to make my own hours, in having Mondays off and in coming and going with great flexibility. I am quite spoiled, and worry that I will find myself boxed in with set days and times, possibly to include more than one evening a week. As discussed in the interviews, I named my availability as Mondays 12-8 and Fridays 8-5, with the possible inclusion of additional evening hours on Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays. They said they’d like me for up to 20 hours a week, and were also definitely interested in my offer for Mondays and Fridays. Ack - am I really up to and interested in my first 5 day work week in ages?! Consulting can be very concentrated and exhausting work and not meant for full time - and I also question my own stamina and ability as an introvert, to be emotionally present and available to very needy and troubled individuals 40 plus hours a week. I worry that this is a recipe for burn out for me, especially given my need to refuel alone, and my historic problems coping with sustained levels of stress, pressure, extraverted responsibilities and anxiety. I tend to do best with a schedule that is diverse with its expectations and not about seeing people back to back to back, with nothing else but psychotherapy required of my time with them. At my current job, I had arranged it so that my counseling with clients was broken up by phone intakes, administrative duties, supervision of students and other tasks that are not always as draining emotionally and provide balance to my day. This will not be so where I am heading.

I know that I am young (well, sort of) yet and supposedly at the peak of my career capabilities, but at other times I feel that I am already ready for retirement, and am weary of work and feel that my home life, self care, hobbies and interests are themselves a full time job. I suppose that it is not that unusual to be torn in such ways, but do feel like I am a lazy slug to be SO ambivalent and to be questioning what is likely a great opportunity for growth and fulfillment. And the other half of me IS very excited and does want this badly, and feels quite capable of doing whatever is asked of me and learning and growing and spreading my wings, in the process.

Yarghhh…I just hope I don’t turn to food as I often used to, to sooth my jangled nerves and cope with the pressures of change. I’m hungry just thinking about it! Although the cashews I nibbled out of my drawer at work today, did dampen my appetite, and actually, we were scheduled to go out to dinner tonight with our friend Janet, and I worried whether my appetite would revive itself in time for her 5:30 arrival. However, I needn’t have worried, as she called to cancel, and now Tom and I are left to our own devices, which likely will mean a later meal and household leftovers. This morning I had the final remains of the other nights souvlaki banquet, so we will have to find other leftovers to chow on instead.

There’s little else to say about today, as I am mostly consumed with nervous energy associated with the job thing. Tomorrow Tom and I are both off, and now I know that I must REALLY work to get things done around here, as truly my time seems to be running short, and there remains so much I’d like to accomplish while still luxouriating in days off. I will have to resist the urge to play instead, and know that the best way to soothe the creeping heebies I get when nervous, is through productive activity.

In fact, why wait! I off to get things started NOW! It sure beats eating!