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Weight: 228 lbs.
God, I’m so weary from my work week, and I still only have ONE job! I’m not sure how I can expect to actually work two without collapsing from exhaustion on like Wednesday every week. All you full time working and soccer moms have my undying respect and admiration! I am in awe of people who manage to juggle jobs and families and other obligations successfully, and who still manage to have flower beds, vegetable gardens, children who are fed and dressed, social lives and keep it all together physically and emotionally.
Off meds, I can definitely tell that I feel stress more acutely, and that I tend to get anxious and fired up more quickly. I haven’t decided if this is good or bad edginess, but I’m sure that if you asked Tom, he’d say its the latter. Hopefully my bosses wouldn’t agree.
Last night I had trouble sleeping because I had so much on my mind, and then I popped out of bed way earlier than I needed to, because I was eager to chew some tasks off my list of things to do. I have had obsessive energy like this for some time now, and I’m also not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I can’t even say if I am really any more productive or not, or if I am just more invested in the process of fussing.
The one thing that I unfortunately haven’t spent as much energy on as I could/should be, remains my diet. I am still grabbing the first foods that I encounter on more days than not, and today this included: 2 scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast, baked chicken with veggies for lunch (but only because a drug rep brought the food and it was leftover and within my grasp at work), and chicken soup, a hot dog and peanuts for dinner. Oh yeah, and some cashews for snack at work. I think that my calorie count was likely quite high, given the nuts in particular, but I expect that I got all my protein in, at least. However, I am head hungry even as I write this straight after dinner, and have been for a few days now despite how I am trying to limit carbs. This may be due to my impending period, and I hope it is ’cause at least it will then pass. But if not, I am worried that I seem to be having a harder time distinguishing true hunger from that in my head. Plus, my appetitie has been very good lately, and it seems harder to tell when I am full. And I keep getting “the munchies” - where I crave things like crackers and other crunchies. Candy and sweets do nothing for me and I can pass on them indefinitely. But, I am still, and always was, way more of a snack/salt/carb/fried food addict. Lately, my desire for foods in this category can get very loud and strong, and last night, I caved and found myself smitten with some leftover cheese crackers “hidden” in the recesses of our pantry. At 10:00 pm in front of tv! Bad, bad, bad!!!
I still need to work on the whole period, stress, anxiety driven food craving, gotta have it, need my crunchies thing. But other than quiting my job to eliminate stress, changing my sex to eliminate my period, and taking meds (again!) to curb my anxiety, I can only think of healthy alternatives like (gasp!) exercising and practicing good self control, to better lick this issue.
Damn, I kind of liked the idea of quitting, better! LOL!
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Weight: 228 lbs.
Well, as seems to be typical for me, my weight has inched up a little again, and I am hovering as usual. I looked up my daily weight and diet diary from 2000 when I followed Atkins pretty religiously for about 14 months. I can review my daily weights plus I tended to average my weight for each week, as I believe that Atkins instructed people to do in his imfamous Atkins Diet book. Although I often hovered and even went up, sometimes for days at a time, most every week my overall AVERAGE weight was lower than the week before. Ultimately, I lost exactly 100 lbs. (before I gained it plus more back in the years following and up until my gastric bypass).
Here are some examples of my daily entries in July, 2000, when I began on Monday weighing 227.5, and ended on Sunday weighing 224.5 This was about 4 months into the diet, as I started it weighing 282 on March 9th, 2000.
In between, my daily weights were 227, 226.5, 224.5, 224, 223, and then back up to 224.5. My daily diet largely consisted of meat, cheese, avacados, pork rinds, some nuts, diet pop, eggs and some blueberries. Basically, typical Atkins fare. My average weight for that week I noted as 225.2 (not really sure how I got a .2 out of it?!), and then the following week I went back up to 225.5 on Monday, 227.5 on Tuesday and ended at 228 on Sunday. Although not typical, that weeks average came out to: 226.4, and represents an overall gain. However, one month later my Sunday weight was 220, and 2 months later I was down to 212.5, all still with hovering and occassional gains in between. Just the same, I logged every bite I ate back then, and I can see that for the most part I was very diligent at staying true to Atkins.
This heartens me and make me feel both “normal” today as far as my weight fluctuations, as well as helps focus me on the bigger picture and overall trends rather than allowing myself to get too bent out of shape over each day’s weight. What is clear from my old records, is that ultimately the weight came off, and in MOST weeks, my overall average weight dropped pretty consistently, with only a few exceptions, like the week above.
Phew! This helps take some pressure off me now, as before I looked at this, I was seriously contemplating giving up the whole weighing daily thing, as it tends to be too discouraging at times. Especially if I allow myself to compare to others who only go in one direction, and drop like stones. I’d actually love to hear from others more like me, whose weight sometimes even fluctuates pounds in even just a day or two’s time. Anyone out there?? On any diet plan or who has had surgery?
Oh well, it is what it is - and as a poster I used to have in my office says: “Don’t Complain About Things You Permit” If I was really really worried and wanted better results, I’d have moved my fanny more by now! (And given up coffee, and eliminated every bad bite of food or overindulgence and replaced our convenience foods and dinners out with wholesome, homeade meals!) Then again, I may as well move to Switzerland, take up ballet and get my astral physics degree, while I’m at it!
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Weight: 227 lbs.
I am writing this at 7:00 am as I work late today, and want to finish my saga from yesterday. Plus, Tom and I went into major meltdown mode last night, and crawled into bed as soon as we finished dinner, and ignored the phone (sorry, Debbie et. al!), our favorite show (House!), the cats who were clamoring for attention, and the fact that we both still had things to do. However, Tom was hurting inside and out from his procedure, and stress had put me into a funky state of achiness and exhaustion.
Unfortunately, we both only slept fitfully, and I am aware that Tom got up several times through the night complaining of Gerd and other problems, and continuing to feel poorly despite the ibuprophen he took before bed. I had to check when I arose to be sure that he actually had left for his bus run this morning, as I feared that he may have died through the night and in my exhaustion, slept right through it! I was relieved that he had already left, but worry how he is feeling. I seem to have made a full recovery, although last night I swore that I was coming down with the plague, given how horrible I felt. Now I just need to gear up for a long and likely stressful day at my existing job, and I will likely talk to my supervisor about yesterday’s interview, as well. He and I meet at the end of the day, and I want to keep lines of communication clean and honest.
Continue reading “Limbo of Many Kinds”
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Weight: 228 lbs.
If running all over town can burn off calories, then I should be down about another hundred pounds by tomorrow!
At 7:00 am, I drove Tom to Sister’s Hospital as it was time for his bi-annual endoscope (of his throat). Tom suffers from a pre-cancerous condition called Barrett’s Esophogus, and must have his esophagus scoped frequently to ensure that his GERD hasn’t continued on its rampage and caused more esophageal damage or turned his throat cells cancerous. He had a biopsy taken, as well as two stomach polyps snipped. The doctor also saw striations in his stomach, so took a sample to ensure that his flora and fauna weren’t toxic, or something like that. We need to call the doctor’s office next week for all the results, but so far things seem pretty ok.
While Tom was prepping for the procedure, I scooted quickly over to my job, and spent about an hour gathering up documents I thought I might need for tonight’s job interview, and also ended up meeting with some colleagues about various matters that were called to my attention. I then rushed back to Tom, and soon after he was in recovery and I could wait with him until his discharge.
Continue reading “Crazy Busy Day!”
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Weight: 228.5 lbs.
I remember weighing 222 lbs. It was probably 10 or even 15 years ago, and I was going to a workshop on Obesity, of all things. I have gone to dozens of workshops through the years on various subjects usually tied into my field as a mental health counselor, but this one, I believe, I signed up for on my own, and it was not covered by my job as so many others were. I believe that the agenda was on the psychological, biological and chemical underpinings of obesity, as well as theories and information about metabolism, dieting, appetite and other factors related to this epidemic. I can’t remember if bariatric surgery was covered, or if it was even “vogue” as it is today.
What I do recall, is feeling that I wasn’t really “fat” at 222, and that this subject was only somewhat about me. Kind of like an alcoholic going to an intervention and feeling that others, not he, has the problem. I don’t remember feeling self conscious or uncomfortable attending, but did feel awkward attending alone when so many others seemed to be with friends or colleagues. I think that I treated myself to lunch out during the break. Certainly, this would be like me, kind of like when I used to belong to overeaters anonymous, and would go home after the meetings and eat up a storm.
Continue reading “Doing My Thing”
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Weight: 228.5 lbs.
I realized when I woke up this morning that today may be one of my last leisurely weekends before, if I get it, a new job. Just the thought of this makes me nervous, and I think that I will probably feel a little freaked out by a new schedule, routine, responsibilities and people for some time to come. I applied and got the call from the supervisor there so easily and comfortably, that I hadn’t really thought through to the fact that “Cripes! I may be working a whole new, second job soon!”
Hopefully I won’t resort to nervous eating, as I have been so known to do in the past. Last night I ate just a moderate amount of pizza, and left most of the crust. I am proving to myself that I can eat from a variety of menu items, but keep portions small and choices somewhat healthy. I hope that I’m not deluding myself in this belief. So far, although not a fast loser, I have continued to go down slowly and somewhat steadily, while still enjoying the richness of an everyday diet and the normalcy of eating out and partaking in whatever is served, for the most part. I THINK that this is what the doctor meant by “this isn’t supposed to be a diet, but a lifestyle”, and what should sustain me in a realistic and doable way, in the long run. I hope, anyway.
I definitely don’t want to have my eating habits to fret over while I am busy fretting about extra responsibilities, and hope that I am far enough along with this process that I can operate on automatic pilot and without significant forethought about every bite I eat. This all sounds too exhauting and distracting, especially right now.
Tonight, Debbie is due over, and we plan to eat out at a Greek restaurant. I love souvlaki and other Greek foods, and find that this type of restaurant is one of the easiest to order a hearty and healthy meal at. I am already salivating at the thought! So far today, I’ve only had a cheese and turkey slice sandwich (extra fiber, whole wheat) eaten in 2 halves between breakfast and lunch, and a banana. This all satisfied and filled me at the time, but I will soon be ready for a nice dinner!
Earlier, Tom and I went to several estate and garage sales, and bought our usual assortment of stuff. I was very excited to buy many boxes od plastic and paper plates and cups and zillions of napkins representing all holidays and events, for only $20. If bought in a store, this amount of Solo type products would cost hundreds, and we will be sure to use them not just for everyday situations (we feed our cats on paper plates every day), but for every bbq, holiday, birthday and other event from now until doomsday. I even plan to bring much of it to work, and I am sure that many of my clients will delight in holiday themed cups for when they prepare themselves coffee or tea before our sessions together.
Alright, maybe I’m a dork, but I do get off on bargains like this! Although it does make shopping in “real” stores that much more difficult. Just about ANYTHING can be found at garage and especially estate sales. Yesterday, Tom was thrilled to find a Black and Decker edger and trimmer for minimal money, and he admits that the bug has bitten him now too.
The only other (good!) news to report, is that the bank FINALLY came through, and we have been reissued our “stolen” money, hopefully for good. Just in time for Tom’s huge life insurance bill and other “fun” expenditures! Perhaps if we cut down on our garage saling we’d be better off, but, nah! I just hope working two jobs (if I get this one) won’t interfere with this aspect of my social life! (Or my friends, or metal detecting or chinese auctions or this blog! Agh!)
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Weight: 229 lbs.
Well, I am ever so slowly and gradually inching my way down in weight. I mean I’m glad that I’m losing (and NOT gaining) and all, but yeesh, I had hoped to be down 80 lbs. by my upcoming 6 month anniversary, and I’m not sure I will get there. On the other hand, I still have not “kicked” it up energy expenditure wise, and really do mean and want to, but blah, blah, blah….
Actually, I now may have a new “excuse”…I have applied and have an interview Monday for another p/t job to supplement my current one, and I have every reason to expect that it will go well. I am quite excited and nervous, and realize that I haven’t looked for a job in many years, and spent much of this afternoon attempting to update my resume for the occasion. I applied on-line so managed to not have to do this yet, but she requested that I have a good copy to bring with me on Monday. Given this website you’d think that I might actually know things about computers and Word and stuff - but you’d be quite wrong, as I remain a complete numnut! It was all I could do to not call my brother or computer geeks or somebody to help me today, and I still have only managed to produce an inferior and half complete product, after all my hard work. Although it is a good thing that my chosen profession is about talking to people and not technology, the “boss” did tell me today that the clinic just went to all computerized record keeping, and her staff have had to learn how to do everything this way now. Gulp!
Other than this, I am probably a shoe-in for the position, as it is exactly what I do now, and in a sister agency to that where I currently work. Although some may call them a competitor!
The woman that I got the call from and I have spoken before, and she immediately said that she was surprised and pleased to see my application, and very interested in having me on board. I am relieved by this, because I feared that she might be one of the people who thought that we were competitors, and reject me on this basis.
Tonight I plan to contentedly kick back, enjoy a pizza with my friend Janet who is due over soon, and focus on things other than bariatrics. I will probably have just bites and nibbles of the pizza, but can’t deny Janet this - her favorite and already requested food for this evening. I’d be lying if I said that I’d make myself a Lean Cuisine or something while she and Tom indulged, so I won’t even pretend that I am even considering this. Tonight, I just want to feel “normal” - and prove that one can be this even after radical surgery, and still not go crazy or have this indicate that all is lost. I hope that this mentality speaks as well to my on-line friend Chris, who is struggling as I was just prior to surgery, with confusion and anxiety about whether life goes on as we know it before the surgery. I’ve come to believe that TOO MUCH emphasis on diet and structure is not necessarily a good thing, and that there is really so much more to focus on, do and think about than regementing yourself to the nth degree in a way that separates you from the real world or focuses you so narrowly that other, more impoortant matters, take a back seat. (Like the bank STILL not refunding our money!!)
So, I guess the moral is that I may not be shaking it up much weight and diet wise, but I at least can bring change and challenge into my routine and structure in other ways! And for now, this is what I prefer to focus on!
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Weight: 229.5 lbs.
Although I weighed myself again after a long bath, and I was down to 228.5. And then again after I had a satisfying bathroom encounter, and was up to 230?!
I know that it sounds strange that I weighed myself 3 times in one morning, but I did this purposely as I have wondered about my strange weight fluctuations, and have randomly noticed before that I seem to “hover” both up and down, sometimes in the same day if I happen to have weighed myself more than once. So, I have concluded that either my old digital scale is a little persnickity, or ones weight (well, mine, at least) must fluctuate from moment to moment, and not necessarily coorelate to factors one would assume make sense, like going UP after a bath, and DOWN after using the toilet. Whatever - and more than anyone probably cared to know!
In other exciting news, Tom and I are still struggling to get our rightful money back from the bank, and in fact while I was uploading the pics I am about to submit here, I was multi-tasking by talking at great length (again!) with an M&T representative who seemed equally appalled as I that things had not been remedied yet. If her indignity counts for anything, I trust that we will have our money back soon. She was quite convincing and persistent, so I really hope (once again, how dumb am I!?) that this time really will be the charm.
Well, here’s the pics I promised, starting with one of my roux-en-Y belly scar, now nearly 6 months post surgery. I am kind of surprised that it hasn’t faded as much as some woman’s that I had had a chance to see when she was about this far out from her surgery, but then again, I haven’t applied any creams or anything to it.
Also, here’s a pic of me actually fitting into new pajamas that I had purchased maybe a year or two ago, and had never fit into. They are (only?) a size X-large, which for me is great! Other than the fact that I need longer legs (see 2nd pic), they fit great now and are warm and cozy which thrills me all to pieces! And btw, only if you too have ever had a serious weight problem and couldn’t fit into newly purchased clothes, could you really appreciate the sentiment here.
Next, here’s a picture of my favorite sitting position, although probably not recommended by an orthopedist or arthiritis doctor. In fact, I often have to remind myself to stop sitting like this, because ultimately I do believe that it contributes to my hip and knee pains and the chronic joint issues I tend to suffer from. Just the same, I have always sat this way from as far back as I can recall, except for times when I weighed so much, that I couldn’t anymore. Like all of last year!
And, while we are looking at my unabashed beauty, you may as well be treated (once again) to my lovely face. Here’s a pic. of my now healing shingles or herpes or bubonic plague or whatever. I apply hydrocortisone cream to it 2x daily as instructed, but otherwise do nothing except hope that it will fade gracefully away and stop making me even more self conscious than I already am.
So, if when you read my title you were hoping for Ms. America or pics of a miraculously skinny version of my former self or better yet, something interesting and juicy…well, too bad!
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Weight: 230 lbs.
Given the fact that Tom and I would be stuck eating cold cuts another night, I offered for us to go to a buffet for dinner, so that we could both partake in someone else’s cooking and an opportunity for a vegetable or two. I called Tom before I left work at 5:30, and said that I would honk when I arrived. We were both very hungry, and stupidly, I ate as if I’d never heard the word “bypass” - fast and furious. I had some chicken soup, a salad, and some baked fish before…URP! What the hell was I thinking?! Why oh why do I not learn from past experience?!
I had assumed that it was the chewy meat that I had had last time that had done me in, but clearly it is more likely the bulk and pace of what I am eating instead.
God I am still in pain! I feel as if food is packed from my bowel to my esophagus, and is stuck everywhere in between. No amount of urping and burping is providing relief, and I guess I will have to hope for time to do the trick. I can’t even envision taking my vitamins right now, as I picture them just sitting on top of a sausage like structure of impacted food, and/or creating a situation like that on the Monty Python episode when a man eats a “wafer thin” after dinner mint against his better judgement, and the rest is history.
If I could throw up I would…but alas, I am left to suffer with my stupidity, and hopefully this will leave more of an impression than the quick fix of a good upchuck. Once again, note to self…!
Well, it is difficult to think of much else to say that won’t add to my pain, although I just must say that the bank has not yet done its thing to reimburse us despite another promise, and clearly will require even more time or follow up before things are resolved. I am trying not to get too unnecessarily crazy about this, but I must say that it pushes all my buttons having to do with trust, customer service, honesty and responsibility.
Hey, maybe if I keep talking about this, I WILL be able to barf!
Nah…it’s not worth it!
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Weight: 230 lbs.
Just when you think that all hope for fairness and human kindness is lost, you go and have a good day that redeems your faith in all of the above.
After my telephone call to the bank about the ongoing “thievery”, I was actually calm and relieved, as I felt that I had (finally) spoken to someone both knowledgeable and sympathetic. She reassured me that this issue would be resolved within 24 hours, and that all I needed to do was to go to our local branch, and (re)file certain dispute forms which the branch could then fax straight to their card services department. I revisited the issue of what had gone wrong and the poor advice that we seem to have gotten thus far, and she was apologetic and helpful.
Continue reading “The Healing Kindness of a Stranger”
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October 22nd, 2009 | 
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