Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 227 lbs.

It kinda sucks to start my 6 month anniversary from surgery out with a “O” lb weight loss this week, but on the other hand, I guess that I am fortunate that I didn’t gain considering my recent indulgences. Anyone who reads this site regularily knows that I am no paragon of dietary virtue, and that I do tend to take the kind of liberties that allow me to feel as if I continue to be part of the human race and that don’t contribute to feelings of deprivation or exclusivity. I’ve never done well with such feelings, and tend to rebound if I end up feeling too restricted, denied or deprived. Besides, I believe that the philosophy of such a procedure as a gastric bypass is to free one from a “DIET” mentality, and allow one to gravitate normally and naturally to smaller portions, healthier choices overall, and “normalcy.” Overall, I have done pretty ok with this concept, although a persistently good appetite and bad restaurant habits do tend to sabotage my progress at times, and I have not worked terribly hard at counteracting these forces yet….

But, for the moment, let me speak of current realities. I’d like to be bubbling over about my earlier job interview, but must admit to a feeling of deflation instead. I arrived 20 minutes before the scheduled start time, and was taken back 15 minutes early. I was out by the time I was due to start, given the brief, somewhat percursory and terse nature of our meeting. This director, like the woman that I met with before him, was also rather poker faced, and said that he’d like to have wrapped up the process and have chosen by the end of this week. he was clear that there were at least a few good candidates, and that the salary that they offered was MUCH lower than I currently get as a per diem rate. He added that he could only try his best with HR to see if he could get me more at least than the starting amount, which is well below what I currently make and too low to consider. This led to an awkward silence and the uncomfortable reality that although qualified and eager to work there, money may break the deal either for me or for them, as I can’t imagine that if able, they wouldn’t prefer to hire someone with less expectation in this area. Now I am more torn than before, and not sure what to wish for. My current supervisor has been clear that he doesn’t want to lose me, and that if I could be patient, there is reason to believe that caseload and other responsibilites would grow in time, and I could built back up my hours there. Sigh - I hate these kinds of dilemnas, although it is not clear if this decision will even be left up to me, or not.

Just the same, here’s a few current pics of me in my interview duds, now down 77 lbs. from my 4/28/09 gastric bypass.

But, I digress from the main purpose of this site. Interestingly, none of this would even be a part of my life now, had I not had the surgery. I would likely still weigh over 300 lbs., and my life’s energy and zest would be drowned by excess blubber, and like before, I could barely function at one job, let alone consider taking on a second. Sometimes I reread my old posts as a reminder from where I came, and it is now almost hard to imagine that I am the same person. Today I am full of energy and enthusiasm, and no longer think of my mortality on a daily basis. I now have hope for a brighter future where I can be part of the world around me, and I no longer limit my opportunities and experiences based on energy level or worry that I won’t have the stamina to keep up. If you have been a reader for a while, you can probably see how I have almost gone to the opposite extreme of living life with such gusto, that I hesitate to miss anything and push myself (and my poor hubby, Tom) very hard in the process. I am so busy having FUN that I have also become somewhat undisciplined and hedonistic, as well. Perhaps this is a necessary part of the early time after surgery and I will lead a more structured, sobering existence soon…and that this will include EXERCISE and more diligence about diet. I KNOW that these are critical aspects of long term success and the proper mindset - and haven’t forgotten them, just put them on the back burner while I break out of the gate, perhaps.

In fact, here are some pics of the multitude of exercise machines that Tom and I have largely acquired this year at estate and garage sales. I know that I have greatly enjoyed the process of BUYING them, and all that is left is the USING them part! Tom does daily, and is quite invigorated by the new choices he has and the ability to do circuit training in our own basement! Now all we need is an inground and indoor pool!

People often ask me if I am glad for my decision to have roux-en-Y surgery, and I have pondered this many times on my own, as well. At first and lasting longer than many, I was distraught about my decision, and unsure that I had done the right thing. I was skeptical, and reluctant to sign on to the mentality I heard from many others at the gastric bypass support sites, where people eschewed their profound gratitude, were thrilled from day one forward, and were awash with relief and excitement from the start. Today I certainly can’t argue with the ways that this has transformed my life for the better, and given me back a life that I had nearly forgotten existed. I also can’t dispute that in addition to my vitality, I have regained a measure of health that had also been lost to me for some time. I now take NO meds for diabetes, blood pressure, arthiritis or depression, and my blood pressure and sugar levels have never been better. The last home BP I took was 112/72, and it is just as often 110/68 and now never over 115/75. Before, even on meds, it typically ran higher, as did my blood glucose levels even while on Metformin. Today, all I take are supplements like fish oil, sublingual B, liquid D and twice daily chewable high dose multiples. I also chew my favorites by Celebrate (celebratevitamins.com) - iron and calcium tablets daily.

Today I prepared a picture “collage” that chronicles my progress spanning the last 6 months, with some extras thrown in for good measure. If you hover your mouse over the photo, a caption should appear and explain it further. You can also click on each photo to enlarge it, although some of me are large enough already! Check out this first one in particular - it is a photo of a photo, and of me looking rather whalish while floating around some years ago and before I had ever even heard of bariatric surgery. I was clearly a poster child for it long before I actually went under the knife!

Shudder!   Now, here are some more current shots that follow my progress from just before surgery, up until today. These might prove more dramatic if I had lost 100 lbs. or at least more than the 77 that I have, but hey, they still represent a huge success to me, even if I do seem to be a slower loser than many. One day, I hope to be posting a picture of me down that whole 100, but I guess that we’ll all have to wait for this day, and I’ll have to cut back on a buffet or two and kick it up some, first! But for now, I am busy being grateful for what I have achieved, especially as this journey has definitely been more difficult and complex than I imagined it, and I have not been one to drop quick and easily as have many. I think that like having children, you probably can’t fully appreciate all the intricacies of this process, physical and mental, unless you’re in it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   In this one, at about 14 wks out, I am down 56.5 lbs

Now here I am at about 18 weeks out, and down about 65 lbs.           

Here’s Tom and I livin’ it up in Atlantic City in about my 21st week post-surgery.                         

At 24 weeks, I am down nearly 75 lbs. and close to my current weight of 227. I just like this shot, so I thought that I’d repeat it from an old post and for comparison purposes.                                                        

And, here’s a few right up to the moment shots, in case you’re not sick of me yet!

Here’s my lovely open roux-en-Y scar today, and then my even more lovely bald head as we speak!

Lastly, for shucks and giggles, here’s a pic of my brother, Roy (this sites administrator) and I when we both were cute, and then me as college age skinny, the only time in my life when I wasn’t gordo and walked amongst the “normal” (for about one semester!)

So, there you have it - a photo montage of “My World and Welcome To It” and a chronicle of how it feels at this stage of the “game.” For those who know me, you are aware that I am not always about lightness and joy, and that I can be hard on myself, full of inner conflict, anxiety and angst, and a mess of contradictions. I would love to be reporting that I have only gone straight down in weight, followed the rules to the tee, never questioned the process and been only full of gratitude for the team that did me. But, this would all be a lie, and untrue to the mission of this blog as a candid, honest and often contradictory view of how one very flawed and conflicted human (thats ME!) can manage before, during and now after such a life altering surgery. Every day I still wonder if I have what it takes to meet goal, and where this will all “end”. I am still somewhat at war with myself, although to a much lesser degree than before the surgery. I still struggle with addictions, cravings and self sabotage, although I am usually quite in touch with these demons, and somewhat better at exerting control over them.

But, at least now I feel empowered and as if I have a system that I can work WITH, and that if I do right, it will do right by me in return. This, is the greatest gift of all and mostly at 6 months out, I am gratetful for this opportunity for success, and the chance for “normalcy” that it affords me. And this for today, sums up my journey to date, but obviously, with much more to come!