Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 228 lbs.

God, I’m so weary from my work week, and I still only have ONE job! I’m not sure how I can expect to actually work two without collapsing from exhaustion on like Wednesday every week. All you full time working and soccer moms have my undying respect and admiration! I am in awe of people who manage to juggle jobs and families and other obligations successfully, and who still manage to have flower beds, vegetable gardens, children who are fed and dressed, social lives and keep it all together physically and emotionally.

Off meds, I can definitely tell that I feel stress more acutely, and that I tend to get anxious and fired up more quickly. I haven’t decided if this is good or bad edginess, but I’m sure that if you asked Tom, he’d say its the latter. Hopefully my bosses wouldn’t agree.

Last night I had trouble sleeping because I had so much on my mind, and then I popped out of bed way earlier than I needed to, because I was eager to chew some tasks off my list of things to do. I have had obsessive energy like this for some time now, and I’m also not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I can’t even say if I am really any more productive or not, or if I am just more invested in the process of fussing.

The one thing that I unfortunately haven’t spent as much energy on as I could/should be, remains my diet. I am still grabbing the first foods that I encounter on more days than not, and today this included: 2 scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast, baked chicken with veggies for lunch (but only because a drug rep brought the food and it was leftover and within my grasp at work), and chicken soup, a hot dog and peanuts for dinner. Oh yeah, and some cashews for snack at work. I think that my calorie count was likely quite high, given the nuts in particular, but I expect that I got all my protein in, at least. However, I am head hungry even as I write this straight after dinner, and have been for a few days now despite how I am trying to limit carbs. This may be due to my impending period, and I hope it is ’cause at least it will then pass. But if not, I am worried that I seem to be having a harder time distinguishing true hunger from that in my head. Plus, my appetitie has been very good lately, and it seems harder to tell when I am full. And I keep getting “the munchies” - where I crave things like crackers and other crunchies. Candy and sweets do nothing for me and I can pass on them indefinitely. But, I am still, and always was, way more of a snack/salt/carb/fried food addict. Lately, my desire for foods in this category can get very loud and strong, and last night, I caved and found myself smitten with some leftover cheese crackers “hidden” in the recesses of our pantry. At 10:00 pm in front of tv!  Bad, bad, bad!!!

I still need to work on the whole period, stress, anxiety driven food craving, gotta have it, need my crunchies thing.  But other than quiting my job to eliminate stress, changing my sex to eliminate my period, and taking meds (again!) to curb my anxiety, I can only think of healthy alternatives like (gasp!) exercising and practicing good self control, to better lick this issue.

Damn, I kind of liked the idea of quitting, better!  LOL!