Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 235 lbs. still

I’ve decided that I’m still fat. I’m feeling every bit of 235 lbs. today, and I think my mood has a lot to do with it. Just recently I was celebrating the same weight for the progess and flexibility that it represented. Today, I feel heavy and sad at the same weight - so I know that it is an emotional thing and based more on perception (as I guess, everything really is) than anything else.

It is drab and dreary out - and everyone came to see me at work today, all bundled up as if it was winter already. I however, am still in denial , and refused to leave the house with a coat on - and froze my bazoongas off as a result. Even my office was cold all day, and my hands would go numb while writing my notes.

So, I am assuming that the heavy, sad, depressed feeling I now have relates to the “death” of summer, the end of our summer fun and the return to reality after our recent junket. It is time to knuckle down and hunker down, and although on one hand I look forward to the end of the hectic lifestyle that summer brings and am glad to be more disciplined, organized and focused on long term goals, I will miss living more in the moment as we have been for the last few months.

On the other hand, it is time that I make an earnest effort to address my weight and health for “real”, and perhaps even consider some kind of makeover for my frumpy self. Between my balding and scraggley head of hair, and my diaper-like underwear and oversized wardrobe, I am needing to catch up with myself really badly. I might even find that I am “skinnier” than I think, if I wore proper sized clothing and underwear that didn’t sag and hang and allow my mushy belly that much more freedom to “jiggle like a bowl full of jelly.”

So…goodbye summer fun and hedonism, and hello taking charge and focusing on things I need and not that I want. I guess that it is good that we live somewhere like Buffalo where we are forced to reevaluate and slow down as our weather cools and then becomes downright frightful, and we are compelled indoors. And even now, before it is all that bad, just the coolness and smell of the air makes me want to stay in and wrap myself in a blankie, dream up healthy yet nourishing dishes, consider using the exercise equipment we so eagerly bought that now fills our basement, and catch up on all things left for just this time.

Actually, this doesn’t feel so depressing anymore, after all!!