Weight: Guess! (242 lbs. yet again).
One of my favorite tee-shirts has a picture of Daffy Duck, with his hands held high above his head, grimacing menacingly and saying: “Totally out of Control!” Unfortunately, this is how I have been feeling lately. (And the good or bad news is that I will not be able to wear this shirt much longer as it is getting frumpy and baggy on me.)
I don’t know if it’s my 48-year-old hormones, my weight loss, diet, the fact that I have begun titrating off my Paxil, or mania that is causing such a seemingly dramatic change in both my energy level and mood lately. I find myself raging over things both inconsequential and meaningful alike, and at other times feeling triumphant and untouchable as if high on uppers. I am more often restless and energized, anxious and edgy. I’m not sure whether to enjoy my new-found enthusiasm and zest, or be worried that, if unfettered, it could lead to destruction. I seriously have been fearful of whaling on people, including at places like work, and am concerned about “fantasies” that I have been entertaining that contain graphic visions of letting loose with torrents of opinion and rage.
Also, my dreams have been more like sordid and enlongated novels lately, including last night’s that involved both my family of origin, childhood home, supervisor, student from 3 years ago, ex-client, and long-sold Volkswagen bus.
The mood of my dreams is dark and angry and, in most of them, I am searching, enraged, anxious, and unable to get where I am trying to go. Last night I couldn’t return home to Boston (?) from Syracuse because my student was allowed to drive off in my Volkswagen by my supervisor, MaryEllen, even though she hadn’t asked me first. Then, when it was finally returned, it was so late that I had little time left to pack it with all of the castoff belongings from my family’s home that was being sold off the next day, and I was enraged that this was allowed to occur. While waiting for my car to come back, I was furious that no one seemed to be helping good or fast enough in packing and sorting the household’s belongings, especially an old client who was preoccupied with playing with each item instead. I unsuccessfully attempted to kick him out many times, only for him to return and obstruct the process for the rest of us, led by me, as we were frantically moving item after item from the house to the garage in piles labelled “garage sale,” “throw away,” “for me,” etc. All the while, I was desperate to leave as time was running out, but had no vehicle to pack up or leave with so wasn’t sure whether to stay the night or not. Finally, when “Suzy” returned my Bus, I desperately wanted to yell at and scold her but knew that my supervisor would not tolerate this behavior, so I struggled internally with how to transform rage into gentle tact, at least within earshot of MaryEllen. And fumed internally.
Then, when my elderly father asked me to drop him off at the football game on the way out, I decided to head out after all, but was so mad at my mother and brother for their attitude during the “move,” that I wouldn’t say goodbye and decided never to speak to either again. I stormed out, and when I went to drive off, I had to first assemble the car piece by piece as if made of legos, before I could move it out of the driveway. And even then, it barely drove, was a piece of crap, and I was sure that I could never get all the way to Boston with it and was going to die en route, and realized only after I left that I also had no clue whatsoever how to get there. And, I forgot to bring my father.
Whew — I’m exhausted just recalling the damn dream! Maybe I am edgy from lack of sleep!? I do wonder, now that I play this dream out, if it relates in some way to my anxieties over this life-changing weight-loss journey and apprehension about how to get where I hope to go. Now I’m no psychotherapist (No, wait a minute, I am!), but it seems quite obvious that there are also themes about responsibility, directions, possibly of underlying unresolved family issues/trauma, and baggage that play heavily in many of my recent dreams as well. Echhh … it seems that I may have a lot to work out if that is what this is telling me, and I am way more f***ed up than even I thought!
Oh yeah, you wanna fight about it!?
Yeesh - even fat and jolly is starting to sound better than this!
Related posts:
- Is There a Psychiatrist in the House?! Weight: 24
- Broke And Broken In Many Ways Today Weight: 18
- I Am An Idiot Weight: 18
- Kernels And Flakes Weight: 18
- Happy For C-Pappy Weight: 18
August 28th, 2009 | Categories: 
yikes!
“yikes” fits! “Egads” and “S**t!” do too!
I’ll try not to kill you when we get together again though, seeing as you are my good friend and all and I would miss you if you were gone. (wink!) BinB
Look at it on the bright side, you can be as brutally angry and rotten and nasty as you want because it’s only a dream. Then when you wake up it’s over until the next dream and while you are awake you can be happy and triumphant. Sounds good to me. Sometimes we just need to take life a little lighter. You have a tough job because you have to psychoanalyze, always digging and searching for reasons. But for your own life give yourself a break and don’t just come to the conclusion your are f_ _ _ed up, you’re getting off a pretty strong drug, you are trying to come to grips with a new eating lifestyle, and everyday life certainly has ups and downs. And best of all you are 62 lbs. smaller, that’s the weight of an 8 year old child. Wow, I’m jealous. You talk a lot about buffets, restaurants, and eating in general but that’s because you are sharing your journey. The truth is you must be doing something right because 62 lbs is 62 lbs. and that’s damn good. The choices you have made are very different then 3 months ago so I want to say to you great job and keep up the great work and thanks for sharing and encouraging the rest of us.
Aw shucks, Barb! Oh, and change 62 to 64 as of today! (Although I probably gained three lbs. back after todays hypoglycemic binge!)
I do appreciate your support and kind perspective, but wish the rage stuff ended with my dreams. I am clearly much angrier and funky during the day too, and worry that I may end up my own client if I don’t cool it. I recently read a response to a post in which I sought advice from people thru Obesityhelp.com, that the combination of physical, emotional upheaval post-surgery plus med withdrawal effects AND the inability to relieve stress thru overeating, can cause significant changes in mood and behavior. This woman recommended finding positive, healthy means for stress relief, and spoke to how exercise has been her saving grace as she weaned off all of her meds, dealt with pre-menopusal changes AND recovered from bariatric surgery and all of its implications. She said that the first year or two while in the midst of such upheaval was very difficult on her in every way, but that now she has adapted to her new lifestyle, is off ALL meds, healthy and slim and finds exercise to work great to keep her balanced emotionally (and physically). Makes sense!
I guess that I can’t rely on garage sales and casinos forever! BinB
Hey I’ve been reading this blog for about a month now, never posted (obviously!). I guess I’m a lurker by nature. Wall flower sounds so much better doesn’t it? But I don’t feel very flowery so lurker it is. Anywho I started down the path to WLS a few months ago and it’s such a huge change isn’t it? I haven’t even had surgery yet, but I’ve been on Atkins because of the required liver shrinking presurgery and it has definitely had an impact on my over all happy-go-luckiness. Yesterday I felt I was gonna blow up and kill someone so I ran to high sugary foods to combat the rages. It didn’t work great but I didn’t kill anyone eather, lol! I also have nothing but stressful dreams about my parents, my children getting hurt or taken from me, trying to protect children I don’t even know, or myself as a child. Often I am brought to a rage in my dreams that have me verbally exploding on people from my past and I wake up angry or upset. Pre-diet when I ate whatever I wanted to (and more!) which included many M&Ms late at night I felt much happier with everything but myself. Now I am happier with myself, or atleast proud that I have stayed on atkins so long without to many hicups, but I feel more stressed and quicker to anger in general.
I think some of us just got so addicted to simple carbs and sugar it was a drug. It was like a great antidepressent that keept the feeling good chemistry running through our brains and soothed our natural(?) stresses. Now we do have to find some other way to ease all this stress. Exorcize would help alot (if I could kick myself hard enough in the ass to get it done!) I tried Yoga once and I felt calm and good that whole day. But I berate myself for not doing it since… Guess I sabotage myself too
Hi and welcome, lurky loo Chris!
I am glad that you chose to write, and you are pointing out some very relevent things. I too wonder if part of my day and nighttime “distress” (a euphemism for killer rage!) is because my comfort has been stripped away in that I can no longer rely on food to anesthetize me like before. There is something to be said for a nighttime carb binge, to seemingly cure what ails you. Carbs, like turkey and warm milk, I suppose, do seem to have a calming and nurturing effect…. Eating lots, without regard to diet, and M & M’s too!
Maybe this is why I gravitate to fruits at night. Hmmm….
In any case, there are SO many considerations and factors involved pre and post surgery, and I am glad that you are obviously going into this with your eyes wide open. I hope my being candid and flawed, and admitting the later in most every post, may help you in some ways as well. If I dropped weight like a stone, followed every rule religiously, and had only successes with no complications, angst, yearnings, set backs, self sabotage, or hardships, this might be an educational site, but boring and unrealistic, too!
How are you finding your journey so far? What type of surgery have you opted for?
How are you losing on Atkins? I always did well on it - the problem would be STAYING on it. But,if you are just needing to do it to shrink your liver/preoperatively, you probably don’t have too long to go. Is your surgery date already set?
I wish you the best with every step, and hope that you keep peeling yourself off the walls to post here! Lol!
(PS: How did you find this site?) Take Care! BinB
Hmm, I am answering your last question first because its the only one I don’t really know the answer too. I was just doing google searches on different bypass phrases and issues and I came apon your site. At first I was amused, so I started reading from the very beginning and then I was astounded at all the issues you were having, and I kept reading and finally I was humbled by your honesty. You even inspired me to start my own blog but I must have a terribly boring life because I just can’t come up with interesting things to say everyday like you do! =p
I am getting the roux-en-y and my surgery date is Oct 19! So I kinda have to stay on Atkins till then, and I’ve already been on it for like a month. I lost 15 pounds but then had a food funeral and got off track and I’ve been wobbling on and off track since. I keep telling myself its a journey so speed bumps slow it down but don’t stop it altogether, right?
Hi Chris,
I checked out YOUR blog, and disagree that you are boring! I liked it very much, AND appreciate your reference to this site. I am glad that my brutal and at times troubling honesty is helpful…I will be interested now to see how things play out for you. Hopefully they will stay less “exciting” and less complicated and difficult than mine.(But at least I didn’t have to go on a pre-surgery diet!)
Sometimes I am unsure whether I create my own drama, or if it is a typical result of such life-changing surgery and the many implications this has for every aspect of one’s physical, emotional, psychological and nutritional being. Perhaps spiritual too, if one is so inclined.
Anyhow…please continue to write here, and I look forward to hearing about your transformation too! Congrats. as well, for your upcoming surgery date!! BinB
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