Necessary Mutilation

Weight: Guess! (242 lbs. yet again).

One of my favorite tee-shirts has a picture of Daffy Duck, with his hands held high above his head, grimacing menacingly and saying: “Totally out of Control!” Unfortunately, this is how I have been feeling lately. (And the good or bad news is that I will not be able to wear this shirt much longer as it is getting frumpy and baggy on me.)

I don’t know if it’s my 48-year-old hormones, my weight loss, diet, the fact that I have begun titrating off my Paxil, or mania that is causing such a seemingly dramatic change in both my energy level and mood lately. I find myself raging over things both inconsequential and meaningful alike, and at other times feeling triumphant and untouchable as if high on uppers. I am more often restless and energized, anxious and edgy. I’m not sure whether to enjoy my new-found enthusiasm and zest, or be worried that, if unfettered, it could lead to destruction. I seriously have been fearful of whaling on people, including at places like work, and am concerned about “fantasies” that I have been entertaining that contain graphic visions of letting loose with torrents of opinion and rage.

Continue reading “Totally Out of Control!”