Weight: 242 lbs.
Well, I lost a few pounds recently, and after tonight’s dinner I have probably already gained it back! Tonight was the Compeer picnic, which is an annual summer event whereby volunteers and their friends through this mental health friendship program are treated to a chicken barbeque, hot dog roast, and all the fixins’ amidst an atmosphere of cameraderie and fun. The Compeer staff take pains to make people feel comfortable and welcome, and it is a nice enviroment to meet other “matches,” catch up with old friends, and be pampered. And eat!
So, although my special friend was unable to come because the psychiatric center did not authorize a pass for this outing as supposedly she “is not well enough yet to go out,” my husband Tom, his new friend, and I went. Tom had been a volunteer before for other individuals, including sharing those I have been matched with, and a senior citizen he had alone (but that fizzled out when this friend lost interest in doing things or going anywhere anymore and stopped following up with Tom). Tom has been very pleased with the individual he is now matched with, and I too found him polite, kind, and interested in a variety of activities and outings. I think that we all enjoyed one another’s company and, despite this being my first time meeting him, for some reason it never felt awkward or uncomfortable as often new connections can.
And we all love to eat … so savoring the food together also felt comfortable. They say that you shouldn’t socialize too much while eating because it can lead to overeating if you’re not paying attention, and now I really get this concept. I somehow managed to eat like half of a Chiavetta’s chicken, a little baked beans, some salad, a whole hot dog, and then the best cookie I’ve ever had in my life! The meal took me maybe 90 minutes to eat, as I nibbled and talked and took a bite and laughed and chewed and chatted and ate and talked some more. To Tom, to “B” his Compeer friend, to staff, to other volunteers and other consumers, to my old clients who themselves had been matched, to the director, to strangers. Before I knew it I’d eaten the whole cookie I had chosen from the dessert table full of homeade goodies. I hadn’t even planned to walk over to that table and tempt myself with the visuals, but “B” asked me if he could take some home to his teenage son and if I would mind grabbing him a plateful since I knew the staff and the rules and he felt awkward doing it himself. Likely excuse — but true story! When I grabbed one melty, peanut-buttery cookie for him, another two stuck to it and followed. What choice did I have, after giving one to Tom, but to eat the other?!
Now I realize that this whole entry is about a cookie (well, and Compeer), and that this is quite ridiculous. However, I must emphasize once again that this really was the best cookie I ever ate! I don’t know if this is because it is one of the worst and first real cheats and pure sugar items I’ve had practically since surgery, or if it was because there is some amazing cook in the Compeer ranks that can outbake chef Ramsey. Either way, this was a terrible thing to have happened, as I fear that I have readdicted myself to sugar to the point that I will likely dream of this cookie tonight and have to work hard to get back on track/detoxify myself so I don’t continue eating so badly. Also, I learned a terrible lesson in that I apparently am impervious to dumping regardless of what I eat, and could probably down a five-pound bag of straight sugar and have no ill effects — dammit! Where’s dumping syndrome when you need it!?
Sigh … I guess this isn’t the first and won’t be the last time that I eat too much or so badly. And although I have let a damn cookie beat me tonight, there is a lot more to this war; I plan to triumph even if I lose a few of the battles along the way. After all, it was a very special occasion. Thank you, Compeer!
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August 21st, 2009 | Categories: 
I am both horrified and jealous that you can eat so much and such “bad” things. I have close friends who are a year and a half out and say they too, can eat anything they want, in moderation…tho I’ve seen his plates at potlucks and there ain’t no moderation there!
Me…I can barely eat a quarter cup of food before becoming uncomfortable, and sugar or fat…forget about it…it’s upchuck city!
Remember, the surgery produces a tool, we have to use it with wise choices and, dare I say it, diet! & exercise to make it work.
Look at me..all preachy! But be careful. As I’ve been told this is the time when losing weight is the easiest. Later it gets more difficult so make hay now. Sorry I sound so bossy.
Hi Susan,
You are right and I know it…but admittedly, struggle so much more, I think, because my pouch CAN tolerate so much. This may sound like an excuse, and I do realize that as you say, it IS merely a tool. However, I wish that it sent more definitive signals or rejected certain things or didn’t cooperate or SOMETHING, so I would at least feel that it was helping me work with it!
A friend who also had the surgery has often expressed amazement at how much I can eat, as she too has said that even now, years out, she can’t eat as much. She has been shocked at my tolerance for all foods, and can’t get over the differences between her experiences and mine (and we had the same surgeon!)
I too don’t understand this, and am also jealous in some ways, of people like you and her that struggle more with food. This may sound awful, but I figure that it would be easier to set limits with myself, to lose, and to follow internal clues, if I felt them! IF mine occur at all, it tends to be later (see today’s post). It makes me wonder if I am just not “listening” correctly or something, and I constantly am plagued with feelings of guilt, worry, and confusion about whether I am on track or not. For some, perhaps like yourself, this seems more apparent as it is nearly impossible NOT to be on track, when things don’t stay down, you feel full so quickly, and/or the pouch makes such strong statements.
I just don’t get how this can be so different for people, and sometimes wonder which “faction” ultimately succeeds best, fares best nutritionally, feels the best about their experience and decision, and loses and keeps off the most successfully.
Not to mention that I do sometimes feel “preached at” by those who seem so much more restricted in their appetite and ability to eat, than I. I don’t say this angrily or nastily in the least, but am making an observation that it seems as if it is most often those compelled to be most “religious” followers of the rules that can’t understand, or feel the need to reel in us who don’t. Not even that this is a “bad” thing - cause it isn’t and sometimes I know for me anyway, I need a “spanking”…but again, it is just an observation.
Alright, I’ve said a lot and know that it is ptentially controversial - but hope that you (Susan) won’t take offense at all, just as I don’t in any way to you kind attempts to help me succeed. I also hope that no one else reading this thinks badly of my candid feelings and musings about the differences I keep seeing and hearing…and would actually love for others to add their thoughts and feeling to the fray.
I admittedly just hope that I am not screwed by how much more difficult this all is than I thought that it would be as far as hunger, ability to eat quite a bit, and limitations in body/pouch signals goes. I do wonder what I would be like if I too threw up a lot, had trouble eating many things and could only hold a little down, dumped on sugar, and wasn’t so hungry. I guess I’m really NOT sure what to wish for….Neither sounds great, really! (But either is still better than the hopelessness of unfettered obesity!)
Sigh and double sigh….and “horrified and jealous” are great terms, btw Susan. Thanks! BinB
No offense at all! I love the fact that we can compare notes, cheer each other on, and even chastize each other. It helps. We aren’t alone in our struggles.
Now…if you can give me insight on why I burp all the live long freakin’ day!
Susan, is it repeated, rhythmic burping? Especially after eating? If so, it’s probably related to peristalsis. I get that, and when I do I take a cytotec and that takes care of it.
Hi Susan,
Burp? Is that all? I can think of and have emitted much worse!
(I do think that I’d like to use “burp all the live long freakin’day” as a blog title someday tho., it has a nice ring to it!) LOL!
Thanks for understanding and accepting our differences, and engaging in good natured banter about them. I love when people can share and learn from such differences, and as you say, compare notes and see what it all might mean as we go along.
Take Care! BinB Urp.