The Strain in my Brain Causes me Pain (and to Gain!)

Weight: 254 lbs.

I seem to be stuck, weightwise. (Maturationally too, some may argue!) I believe that I have been eating within reasonable guidelines lately, although I haven’t posted my daily intake as I used to and could be consuming entire mammals for all anyone would know.

Today I had my usual husband-made oatmeal with peanut butter, skim milk, a banana, and flax seeds. I only can eat a few bites, and will likely eat the rest of the bowl over the next two breakfasts. For “lunch” I had a cheese stick at work and then, later, half a wrap sandwich with chicken, mayo, tomato, and lettuce in it.

For dinner, I had a bowl of Healthy Choice Chicken Noodle Soup, minus the noodles which I ditched. Then I had the remainder of a yogurt parfait with strawberries and granola in it that came from the Casino on Monday and has been nibbled down to nothing throughout the week.

My biggest sinful pleasure lately is the Wilson Farms coffees (24 oz.) that I pick up on my way to work each morning. I usually pour 2/3 decaf. to 1/4 caffeinated to about 1/10 of flavored cappuchino (OK, so I’m not a math major!).  I realize that the cappuchino has some sugar, but a little bit of this flavors up the whole cup and makes a delightful beverage that I slurp all day at work. I also add some light cream and some Sweet’N Low. I have become an addict lately and look forward to my morning routine in a way that I never did before surgery. I wonder if it is because this is now my “only” special treat, and the thrill of both having coffee (again, after a long break from it) and tasting of something a little sweet is so incredible given the circumstances. I just hope that it isn’t stalling or jeopardizing me in more ways than I know. Another question to ask somebody (a doctor?), I guess. Although I’d be heartbroken if made to give up my new addiction.

I do worry that I must be addicted to something, and that I am prone to a transfer addictions like some people I’ve heard of. I suppose that there are worse things than coffee, but clearly this really speaks of the underlying lack of resolution to my addictive personality and difficulty setting limits with myself and making genuine changes in my outlook and perspective. I wonder if some form of brain surgery will someday replace gastric bypass or treat other addictive behaviors, and will prove to be ultimately more successful because it addresses the true source of many people’s problems. Strangely enough, I can recall that when I had encephalitis about 15 years ago (and was in a coma for days following my brains being fried by a 105.5 degree temperature), afterwards I was profoundly unhungry for weeks. I “forgot” to eat all the time, and was seriously disinterested in food — except for cream of mushroom soup, which I asked for at nearly every meal! For a while afterwards, as I was recovering, friends would look in on me and help me as I was still confused and “altered,” and they can recall needing to coach me to eat. Then, one day, weeks out, something reconnected in my brain and, well, you know the ending! I still sometimes wonder what might have happened had this not occurred or had I not succumbed to the reawakening of this part of my brain and re-entered old (bad) habits. It felt as if perhaps I had an opportunity for a rebirth but threw it away by mindlessly resuming old ways rather than grasping the chance to retrain myself.

Now, I don’t know if this would have in fact been possible, but I do know that something was hugely different for me as a result of my brain damage. Fortunately (or unfortunately, in this case), I made a full recovery (though some may argue with that conclusion), but this experience did truly sensitize me to the experience of what traumatic brain injuries or a developmental disability may feel like.

In any event, I now have another chance at a “rebirth,” and fear that I may blow this as well if I don’t heed the rules and take it all seriously. In so many ways, it is much harder being just my stomach that has been altered this time. There is often a serious communication deficit between my stomach and my brain, and my brain thinks it’s funny to play practical jokes on my stomach by making it think it is hungry and must have food, when in fact it is not. My brain also remains bad at deciphering the signals of hunger, thirst, boredom, restlessness, and gas. All of these register as “feed me now!” and even innocent gurgles are interpreted as emptiness that must be filled. I know that I am not alone struggling with the hardest thing that any self-respecting foodie must face, but I beleive that some have found their way and their “peace” more successfully than others. Clearly, I have not yet, regardless of how tiny of a stomach I may in fact have and how many books I read or “smart” I otherwise am (though some would surely argue with that point too).

So … what’s left, besides a lobotomy? The same things we all face — self-inventory, honesty, self-appraisal, possibly psychotherapy, retraining, substitution, behavior modification, positive reinforcement (with things other than food), and the use of support and guidance at every step of the process. Being one step ahead of your brain isn’t a bad idea either, and I try to do this by filling the fridge with tasty but healthy things, planning ahead for potential problem times, and focusing forward.

Am I always successful? Of course not, or this blog would be really boring and self-righteous! Am I sometimes? Enough to have lost 50 lbs. despite my brain’s frequent attempt to sabotage me. Am I getting “better” at this? I’m not too sure, but I think I know more now, and knowledge is power; I can run with things for longer periods before I cave in over some food item or indulgence. And, truly, I am feeling more ready to embrace regular exercise soon — and I’m now only few pounds from being able to use our exercycle without flattening it. Once my @^$%#&! period is over, I resolve to “kick it up” in earnest. I think it’s time to “just do it!”

So, this blog may be my saving grace as I strive to keep honest, or my disgrace if I don’t succeed. In this way, it is good to be somewhat in the public eye — ’cause that may motivate me when nothing else can and ultimately help me win the battle not just of the bulge, but more importantly, of the brain!

Related posts:

1. No Pain, No Gain? Weight: 28
2. Logic, Prudence And An Insane Brain Weight: 18
3. Pain in the Neck Weight: 28
4. Calling Off Fat Weight: 19