Weight: 260 lbs.
Well, I finally lost enough weight that this whole week won’t be a wash. It may still be one of my smallest loss weeks yet, but at least I’ve lost some weight. I am still feeling insecure and down about my slow loss, and take full responsibility for this due to my continued struggles with motivation (to exercise and eat less and better). My ambition and energy in this regard seem to ebb and flow, and my esteem and confidence level go up and down with them. As read, suggested, taught, lectured, and beseeched, I am fully aware that I must kick it up a notch or ten…but as always, I can be my own worst enemy by defying logic and guidance and rebelling against even worthwhile concepts. If slapping myself worked I’d be a size two by now. If patience worked, I would have gotten on track quietly and gently and in my own time, but also by now. If logic worked, I’d have internalized books and teachings worth of information and have used all this wonderful knowledge to my full advantage by now. If Nike worked, I’d have sucked it up and gone into auto-pilot and just done it by now. If the doctor’s threats worked, I’d be fitter and trimmer and have healthier cardiovascular, skeletal, and muscular systems by now. Pray tell — just what will it take?! Is anyone else as fed up with me as I am with myself? (Don’t answer that!)
So, in case you hadn’t already noticed, this blog is not brimming with platitudes about the wonders of bariatrics, nor is it full of facts and data that support the notion of easy success and the promise of quick loss and glory ever after. Neither is it Melting Mama’s informative, data-oriented, fact-filled site that reflects on the research and commerce side of bariatrics, or EggFace’s site chock full of healthy recipes. No… instead I realize that my purpose is apparently to put an imperfect and human face on the many physical, emotional, and everyday struggles related to aspects of compliance and management (pre- and) post-surgery. Admittedly, I rather wish I were years down the line reflecting instead on the wonders of being newly skinny, and/or noting how I was dropping weight like wildfire as I was eating perfectly and exercising my brains out. My best hope for where I am and what is reality to me in this process, is that I represent the average person post-bariatric surgery, and not the Barbie version. This belief gives me strength and confidence to remain candid about my struggles, and helps me feel more connected and hopefully inspirational to those who may be helped by this site the most, because they are looking more for realistic journey than for gloss or facts. I hope, anyway.
In other news, I was so mad this morning after talking once again with the Bariatric Center. At first, I was very pleased when a pleasant “M” readily rescheduled my three-month follow-up so that I would not have to pay privately for this when it fell on a date just beyond the three months during which visits are “free.” She also listened kindly when I asked if I might have blood values drawn before this appointment, as I have been feeling weary and would like to see if there may be some medical cause for this. She agreed that the doctor should write a script for the appropriate blood work (vitamin levels, etc.), and she would send this out to me. Sounds good, right?
Well, when I explained about my needle phobia and the need to take Valium for any and all bloodwork, and that I would need a script for this as well, she said she would have to transfer me to “L” to see if this was possible. Unfortunately, “L,” the same woman with the brisk, often harsh and hurried manner that has rubbed me wrong in the past and who runs our support group meetings, was her usual porky self and dismissed my need as if following up with it would be too much trouble for her. She tried to simply say that they don’t prescribe “narcotics” there. When I protested and said that both surgeons had prescibed Valium for me in my past appointments, and then reminded her that I was the one who went through the whole groshong catheter thing because of my phobia, rather than showing a glimmer of compassion or understanding, she suggested that I should get such a script filled by “either your psychiatrist or your primary doctor.” When I said that I didn’t have the former, and that the latter made no sense because he was not the one ordering the blood work, she actually said, “well, maybe you should have a psychiatrist!” I told her that I was offended by this comment and that she had no right to speak of things she didn’t know, as I have been struggling with this phobia my whole life and have done numerous things to try and overcome it. And that, regardless of it, I did do whatever I needed to but have learned to compensate — such as with Valium (you f…head!) No, I didn’t say this last part — but in case it’s not obvious, this is what I felt like saying! And, was she even listening? No — she was talking to someone else in the background, and when she returned, she simply reiterated that I needed to get a script from somewhere else. Arghhh! When I finally got her to consider asking the doctor himself, she said that she’d see — and call me back in “the next 48 hours or so.” If you’re holding your breath about whether I heard back from her since this early morning call — don’t. I will let you know if/when I do though. Who are these people, and why is this supposed Center for Excellence filled with them?! God, I hate this system and being beholden to them. Unfortunately, as she also runs the support group meetings, I feel so bitter that if I can even stand to continue, this will surely taint my experiences hereafter. It was so refreshing last time when a member filled in while she was off.
Anybody have some good ideas for me in handling my anger constructively? Obviously, eating isn’t one of them. As Dr. Phil or Oprah or whoever says, “it’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you.” And today, that is a lot! And, it’s not over yet….
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July 6th, 2009 | Categories: 
I would seriously take this issue up next time you see the doctor. There is absolutely no reason why she should treat you or any patient like this. You are the reason she has a job. She needs to be reminded of this. And if there is no resolution to this issue within the next 48 hours I would take it up with her superior. She needs a reality check. And fast. Because god help her if the next person she decides to let loose on isn’t as kind and patient as you are.
I am so sorry you are having this experience. My experience with my surgeon and the obesity clinic he was associated with was so much different. I credit the support from the clinic, my doctor, and the meetings for much of my success. Any concern or complain I had was met with serious consideration, advice, or action. They even wanted to know if I saw my primary physican for any reason the first year. There is no excuse for this group not giving you all the support you need during this first year following surgery. I say pay a visit to the doctor and speak to him in person about this…or send him a copy of this post through email!
Of course, working out your anger through exercise can kill two birds…..Don’t let them get you down and sabotage your efforts to date…
Hey Stacy,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I must say that I was so full of vitriol when I wrote tonight’s entry, that I was worried that I might be offensive in my writing, or overly crabby in how I am interpreting things. But I am feeling validated by your response, and will absolutely not let this lie. You will be hearing more as to how this all progresses. I just hate controversy and this kind of stuff, but I won’t be a doormat either. Thanks for your support and understanding about this! BinB
Hi Debra,
I could have run a marathon today with the anger I was feeling…and should have thought of this being channeled in such a way, sooner! Instead, it will probably act like caffeine and keep me up all night. Maybe I should get mad early in the day more often - this certainly does sound like a good opportunity for adrenaline and quite an energetic workout!
I am appreciative of your support for my anger and sense of frustration with what I have found to be a very user unfriendly system. I so wish that I was having an experience like you describe - and entered into this process believing that as a Center of Excellence and all, that I would. I do like the two surgeons, and knew my bypass surgeon from previous experiences, and was initially excited to reconnect with him in this new enviroment (he worked elsewhere when he did my gallbladder and hernia surgeries years ago.) Perhaps part of what makes this all so painful, is that I did have such positive and high expectations, and initially had trust that the system would be compassionate and attentive in their dealings with me. I am glad to hear though that such an enviroment does exist, even if not here. I am happy for you that you feel in good hands with your system - and am considering identifying my specific concerns in some format, to the surgeon himself or perhaps in an open letter to the office. I’m not exactly sure yet - but will certainly post any updates about this as I go along. Sometimes I do imagine revealing this site to them and letting them read the many entries about this for themselves…but then just as quickly, worry that this may create even more contention or difficulties. But, if things don’t get resolved both Valium and bill wise (see post from a few days ago), god knows what this might push me to. Grrrr…. Thanks for your advice!
Write the head of the agency - copy the doctors - send to insurance company exactly what happened - you write well - just reading this makes my blood boil.
Donna, Its a shame you are having a difficult time with the center. I have had some experiences with other physicians in my past and have switched. Have you had any positive center experiences? Seems you have only posted the negative things that have happened. I would also check with your doctor at the center why this information is not in your chart. if he has ordered other bloodwork and has prescribed the valiumn for you it should be noted. Hope it all works out!!!
Hi Bypass Betty,
I just noticed that you had written…sorry for the delayed response.
As to positive experiences, I have been complimentary about “M” (she at least has been apologetic, and you get the feeling that she cares and is trying to be helpful w/ scheduling etc.). Also, I have liked both surgeons, and remember when I found Dr. “P”s humor and attitude as refreshingly sweet and have spoken of liking him most often, altho. he admittedly was “cranky” when he removed my groshong. Also, I harbor no ill feelings about Dr. C. who did my surgery, and still hope to think that he is merely unaware of how his staff act. Perhaps he indeed has put his foot down about Valium, but I can’t imagine that he would be as rude and inflexible as he has been portrayed by them to be, and that he wouldn’t at least allow a meaningful dialogue between us about this, if he really was hearing where my chagrin and upset is coming from. I hope!
Also, I have felt ok about the “gym” staff, and believe I blogged about my workout training with one of them who was funny and understanding.
You are right that part of what is so puzzling is the fact that I was given Valium by these very same surgeons for my pre-op bloodwork. Not only this, but they were in fact kind enough and good enough listeners at that time to be willing to work w/ my phobia about both the pic line and the heparin trap - thereby allowing for major shifts in how things were done by letting the trap be put in DURING surgery instead of before, and by putting in a groshong rather than an IV or a pic. I still appreciate these considerations - but they add to my confusion why a place that was flexible before, is now so persnickety and contrary. My only guess is that either 1) It is because they have already gotten most of my money (tho. I hate to think this of them) or 2)In that I no longer have direct contact w/ the surgeons themselves, that my request is being distorted enroute to them (if they are indeed being asked at all), and that they do not have an accurate or full appreciation for what I am asking and why. I do also wonder what “reputation” I have developed as a result of these concessions and possibly subsequent distortions…and that like Elaine in Seinfeld when she can’t find any doctor to give her the benefit of the doubt because of how she gets portrayed by the first one, I fear that some strange info. may be circulating about me.
Any theories or ideas of your own? Thanks!