Highs and Lows of Many Types

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Weight: 265.5 lbs.

Yay, I lost another pound despite my pizza cheat and late-night pudding inhalation. Also, I had some high-test coffee (half decaf and half regular) with Janet last night, and this was the first time since surgery that I (re)introduced caffeine into the equation. I was strung out until nearly 2:00 am, and for anyone who frequents any of the support group sites or Twitter, you probably already know all about it. I was like the blogging and tweeting queen, and my pudgy little fingers could barely keep up with my overwired brain.

Note to self: Lay off caffeine before bedtime.

In unrelated news, and on a somber note, Tom and I attempted to visit our Compeer friend, Kris, at the Buffalo Psychiatric Center today for the first time in a few months, and it was very sad to see how mentally decompensated she was. I have been her “big sister” (although technically she is older than me) for over 10 years, having been matched up through the Compeer organization that links volunteers to individuals of all ages with mental health issues that could benefit from a friend. Kris is challenged in many ways, but the most vicious is as a result of suffering from a particularily virulent mental health diagnosis that has led to a lifetime of psychiatric center hospitalizations and set backs. Unfortunately, she took a turn for the worse a few months ago and Tom and I have been unable to take her out into the community since then, and even to visit her on site for the last few months. Her birthday was this week so we were hopeful that she might be well enough that the staff would approve a visit today, and we were pleased when they felt she was calm enough that she could likely tolerate this.

It was devastating however that although she initially hugged me hello, that as soon as we sat with her, she expressed profound hurt and misunderstanding about why we have not taken her out lately, and no amount of discussion, reasoning or reassurance could penetrate her distorted thinking and hurt feelings enough to see us all through this. Instead, she “kicked us out” and fled the room, yelling that she was going to replace us with another couple who would take her places and be her friends.

We are so saddened to see her like this and worry that she will likely later feel anxiety and regret that she may have pushed us away for good as a result of her tirade. I beseeched the staff to reassure her that we are not mad at her and will stay her friends no matter what, and that when she is well enough, we too look forward to resuming our visits and outings. I then sent off a little note reiterating the same, in case she doesn’t connect with their words.

In any case, it is hard to feel so impotent in the face of such inner darkness that she must face every day. Broken bones are so much easier to heal than broken minds.

So, here we are newly home from this sad visit, and I feel small talking about such mundane things as diet and weight in the face of such poignant and real desperation.

Sometimes it is sobering to consider our blessings, regardless of struggles with weight and physical well being…considering how much worse it really can be. For that perspective Kris, I thank you for the lessons you inadvertently teach. Sigh….

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