Necessary Mutilation

What a beautiful almost-spring day.  How breathless and exhausted I am tackling ordinary indoor and outdoor chores.  Even shopping has become a challenge - my hips ache and my back throbs just walking through Target.  If I don’t have the surgery soon I fear I’ll be bed bound and/or dead before them.  I fear there is no stopping my eating momentum - for nearly the first time in much of my life I’m neither on a diet or feel guilty about this.  I am eating with gusto and abandon now as if the surgery will erase any weight gain or problems that may stem from such a last fling.  What if I am horribly misguided and find it that much harder to 1). Lose the extra pounds I’m gaining, 2).  Stop the momentum and 3). Grieve the loss of such a lifestyle and favorite foods in unlimited quantities that much more because of this.

Now worry that rather than missing the guilt and torment and struggle associated with obesity itself; I will miss the addictive “fun (?!)” of eating without regard.  Arrgh - what am I doing to myself!  I feel like a train chugging full speed forward, toward a wall of dangerous and impenetrable Twinkies; pizzas and fries!

At least something nice did happen today.  Tom and I went with his childhood friend “Corky” to our monthly metal detection meeting (ha - like I’ve been limber enough to detect in years, now!).  Anyway, Corky came over afterwards so we could consult mutual calendars to plan a shared dinner (what else is new!) for Tom’s April 15^th birthday.  Because the planning of events even beyond this date and other matters arose, I felt compelled to tell him about my surgery intentions.  It was so refreshing when, after listening carefully and without the often observed look of disgust or surreptitious glances towards my ample body, Corky calmly responded positively and encouragingly of my decision, and then told me of a friend and another female he knew who’d undergone the surgery some years back with largely positive results.

I think back on what my likely reaction was when Diane, a co-worker/friend at the time, announced her plans to have gastric bypass - and now feel so ashamed that I likely responded how I felt at the time -grossed out and uninformed.  I do believe that I asked insensitive and stupid questions; probably scrunched my nose at the mention of what I then thought of as barbaric and gross, and probably gossiped about her plans with other colleagues afterwards. I do recall a co-worker of ours saying “I would never do such a thing!” in disdain and horror, thus seconding the motion.

Now I guess it is horribly unfair of me to hold others, especially those without weight problems and with little exposure to information about gastric bypass to such high standards of responsiveness and openmindness.  I can only hope mass media attention on the issue of both obesity and the surgery itself, (”Obesity Clinic”, “Big Medicine,” etc. on TV) has enlightened others besides me.

I must say that I did talk at some length with a good friend from Rochester today - catching up; early planning for spring get together etc. - without a single word about my plans.  Quite honestly - I “fear” her reaction and suspect it will be similar to mine of the past - and have decided to wait until I have an actual surgery date set.  It’s hard to tell if this fear is real, or if it is Memorex?

What a wonderful evening Tom and I spent with Nancy and Charlie!  Once again eating was the centerpiece — first at a restaurant and afterwards for dessert and coffee into the evening at our house. Although I’m the only obese one of us, I know we all enjoyed the food as well as the company.  How nice to be able to discuss a full range of subjects with reciprocity and interest — and that bringing up my impending surgery consult is met with intelligent questions and interest rather than blank stares or self-conscious and uncomfortable repertory.