Necessary Mutilation

Hallelujah — tomorrow is finally my surgical consult!  I called the office yesterday to ask if I came early if I could tour the facility (gym; nutrition department, etc.) and was heartened by the welcoming response.  I feel ready to leave now!  She said that I will also be given a full packet of information to read that includes a time line of requirements (bloodwork, dietary consult, etc., I guess) between tomorrow and bariatric surgery day.  I love that they sound organized and planful, like I am.  Just the same,  anxiety about everything continues to make my skin crawl, and I doubt much of anything can ameliorate all aspects of it.  There’s enough to cover every step and stage for before, during and after surgery!  So many what-ifs that even if I had 24-hour access to past patients and unlimited opportunity to ask everything my heart desired, I think I’d still wonder, worry, fret, ponder….

I must admit that Tom’s stance is not helping my process, although I realize he has his own share of thoughts and worries.  Lately I find him increasingly sarcastic (like today he actually “joked” that he planned to eat all kinds of favorite foods in front of me afterwards!) and superficial if I bring any aspect of weight loss up.  He also never initiates this subject and still looks at me in a way that reinforces my suspicion that he thinks I may not really go through with it.  Although I have never waivered in my intention and have said nothing to indicate doubt, all along Tom has said either to me or to others in my presence things that indicate that he either believes or secretly hopes that I will “change my mind once I see the needle or once she sees what she’s in for”.  I’ve tried to discuss all aspects of this process with him especially out of fear that such a radical change may grow a wedge between us.  Let’s face it; our marriage has thrived on the presence of a third partner called “addiction”, and the bonding of man-woman and cannoli. I worry as much about what he will eat and how, for his sake, as I do about my diet.  We eat out nearly daily - is he really ready as he says he is to alter this, especially in my early days on Ensure and Jell-O?  What will HE eat; where; how and with who if not me?  Don’t other people wonder this, or is food so much bigger a focus here and between us, than with others??

If the psychologist wasn’t such a dork it would have been nice to have run such questions by him.

Maybe therapy will become necessary in time…?

Especially after tomorrow’s appointment!