Necessary Mutilation

I hate limbo!  I’m still waiting to hear that the Bariatric Center received the finished psychologist report from Dr. Bland (and that I’m not crazy enough to undergo surgery) so I can be scheduled to meet with Dr. C.  I broke down and called them myself yesterday, but was told they hadn’t gotten it yet and that it should likely come “any day now.”  I wonder if Dr. Bland realizes how important his timeliness is and how much people may pin their hopes on him to answer questions to get them off to a good start of a long process.

I know that not only the waiting but the wondering and the anticipating are siphoning off a lot of my energy lately.  In supervision yesterday my boss asked if we should begin to plan for my time off.  I had already been pondering every aspect of what my absence from work would entail (including whether - and how - to tell my clients and even extended co-workers), and worrying about when things may come together enough so a date can actually be set.  In the absence of any real information yet, however, I had nothing new to tell my boss or even to plan ahead for.  Sometimes I even wonder if it will really happen - especially given our insurance limbo and uncertainties about the process.

At times I find myself upset - no, angry - that any of this must be part of my life and future.  What “normal” person has to typically consider, even “look forward to,” gross anatomical mutilation (as my friend Nancy says, changing what’s natural), pain, and scarring for the sake of survival (or so it seems).  Although part of me has reconciled this as part of my overall journey, my less-well-developed, more immature side succumbs to internal dialogue about drawing the short straw and the unfairness of it all and feels a victim of genetics, culture, and the food Nazis.  Then I vacillate to self-blame and loathing and a mysogynistic view of my obesity as a character flaw deserving of self-flagellation and the punishment of having my stomach “amputated.”

A more “gray” view would be welcome here!