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What a sad day today turned out to be. I got an unexpected call while in the bathtub this morning from my boss, Kevin, informing me that one of our clients (only 46 years old) passed away (pneumonia?) and he was wondering if I could join him for emergency grief counseling at his group residence for the eleven remaining consumers of this site.
Fortunately Tom and I did not have personal plans until this evening, so I was able to help out. Being at a significant advantage over Kevin as I know nearly every resident and staff of this Aspire run residence, I felt empowered to fill in where he was less able - including in 1:1 support for the deceased’s long term girlfriend who was very shocked and distraught.
How sad and difficult to be amongst the freshly bereaved — especially on the heels of another significant Aspire loss when a beloved Mental Health co-worker suddenly passed away last October, and himself was well connected to both today’s deceased and the others here, including Kevin and myself.
In addition, we spent more time here than intended, making me late for our pre-planned volunteer outing with our Compeer friend, Kristine, who we take out from the Buffalo Psych. Ctr. one time per month. Although friendly and loving, Kris suffers mental health problems and other disabilities that can make spending time challenging. Also, eating together is always part of what we share - and her food should be carefully chosen and cut up due to medical, swallowing and dietary problems.
Tell her this! Interestingly, although a few years older than me, strangers often consider her as our daughter during public outings - and from how she loves to eat, she certainly could be kin!
Anyway, overall today felt largely like a sobering and sad reminder as to misfortunes and a wake up call that my “short straw” is not nearly as short as so many others.
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Woo hoo, it’s Friday and there’s a Chinese auction to attend!
So, off Tom and I (me thrilled, he the obedient, easily-pleased husband) go, to meet my friend Nancy there. Although chaotic, loud, crowded, and over-stimulating — there are chances to win, win win! As my other addiction is gambling, collecting, hoarding, owning just about everything — I love auctions, theme tray or otherwise; casinos; garage sales, flea markets; and the Salvation Army. So, tonight was a thrill despite my way-more-maternal-than-I friend calling it “hell on earth” to be surrounded by hundreds of over-wound elementary-age kids. But, I did win, win, win. A twenty-dollar certificate for Subs, ten dollars for a fish joint, a magazine subscription, Philharmonic tickets, and Avon products. Someone else won the other restaurant certificates, other snack foods, the ice cream basket, and the HUGE chocolate bunny. I’m not sure whether to be glad or sad.
So, now we have even more places we need to eat out at before either my certificates expire or my stomach does. So many indulgences, so little time!
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I’ve looked forward to dinner at my favorite restaurant (The Olympia, on Niagara Falls Blvd.) tonight for the weeks since it was arranged. Oh yeah — and seeing my cousins Ken and Ann, too!
Tom and I arrived early to save a booth (with a table that moves to accommodate my girth - hallelujah!). While ordering drinks to wait with, I engage in a discussion with the waitress about my favorite menu item - the fried clams. Better than any I’ve eaten anywhere, including those in Boston or the New Hampshire coast; I’d craved them all week.
When my cousins finally arrived, my first words were of “tragic news!” that so started them and caused a look of such apprehension that I realized how serious I must have sounded. My news - the CLAMS HAD BEEN DISCONTINUED! Aaaghh! Bless Kenny’s heart for recognizing the enormity of this tragedy enough to say that he too was disappointed and had indeed planned to order them too after I had raved about them when we planned this outing together.
Clearly - I need help. I also can’t help but wonder just how I’ll fare in a perpetual existence without fried clams and other favorite foods. Although I’ve heard people post surgery say things like - “You just don’t crave the same bad foods anymore” or “You won’t want things like you used to” - its probably like having kids - you really can’t know until you’re a parent.
And…the both good and bad news of today is that although the clams were supposedly discontinued because “not enough people were ordering them” - they are due back for lent and will allow me a last indulgence or two before I guess I “just won’t care anymore”.
Oh, and we had a great time with my cousins too!
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Well, I think the kinks have been worked out of our insurance. Although in fact we do now have a new, stupider plan and we will be compelled to pay 100% of all medical appointments (of the “allowed amount”), including pre-operative consults, at least appointments up to 90 days following surgery that relate to the gastric bariatric will be covered (as part of the surgical process itself), and most of the surgery and hospitalization will be too.
Still, co-pays of 100% in several instances will still likely equal many, many more hundreds than had been anticipated before.
GM took over Delphi’s health plan and turned it cruddy — but I guess I still really can’t complain when I compare it to some people’s costs.
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Tonight our whole work team (all like seven of us plus spouses) met up at Frank’s Sunny Italy to say goodbye to Ron, a departing psychologist, and hello to Dan, an incoming social worker.
Although these changes were made some time ago, who stands in the way of a good excuse to party!?
Nice evening, nice people, lots of nice food.
Stuffed as usual — but happy.
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Just random thoughts today. Did I mention that I am HORRIBLY needle-phobic? Yes?! Tough, I need to talk about it some more. As much as I realize it’s not logical or rational and needles can’t really hurt me, I can’t shake the overriding feeling of anxiety, nausea and squeamishness that arises just watching shows with heroin addicts.
All my life I have avoided them (needles, not addicts) however necessary, including having dental procedure without Novocain and a colonoscopy without an IV. I prefer pain to a needle — so all those people that say “oh, it won’t hurt a bit”, have it all wrong.
I’ve even gone to various types of treatment to try and conquer this phobia, including EMDR which is supposed to unearth and heal the core trauma and/or belief that underlies it. Although this worked to some degree (I perhaps have a better idea of its childhood roots); the trauma continues. Valium helps, as did my need some years ago to inject my diabetic cat with insulin (or she would die) — but not enough to cure me. (Although she lived another five years with twice daily shots.)
This is part of what makes my decision to go through with this needle filled process so extraordinary!
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Today at work it was a long, tiring day, ending in a late staff meeting. Again, I am so grateful for my bosses and colleagues who support my decision without complaint despite the impact on their work loads. We are only just beginning to sketch out the implications of a six-week (?) absence on the team, but it is clear that most everyone will have to play a part in pitching in to cover certain aspects of my duties.
I fell extraordinarily lucky to have found such a wonderful place to work that affords me the extra emotional stamina. I know that as I consider every one of my colleagues and bosses my friends, I will also miss them while I am out.
All right, now I’m getting all mushy!
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Another day, another act of hedonism.
As Tom was off today we decided to head off to the casino for fun and food. What we ended up with was empty pockets and (very) full stomachs.
God their buffet is to die for, and please strike me dead right now, but I will miss miss miss the all-you-can-eat crab legs, pulled pork, and numerous other delicacies.
I think I’m in LOVE with my food…. I wonder what “normal” is.
I’m not sure if I feel worse about this revelation or the money we lost…
Either way sucks!
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Tom and I belong to a metal-detecting club, and tonight was our monthly meeting.
Just shortly after it, I hardly remember what it was about - but I know they had cookies.
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Went out to eat with friends Barb and Rick tonight, to the extraordinarily crowded Texas Roadhouse, where we celebrated Valentine’s Day by double dating.
Ate a lot (as usual); talked and laughed a lot.
Afterwards we went to a church rummage sale and I bought my usual assortment of unnecessary junk - and was thrilled all to pieces about it.
I must remember how hard it is for me to do even such ordinary things like this, though - I find myself huffing and puffing and sweating my way through any physical activity, and my knees and back are shot after just this brief shopping junket.
Even my favorite, simple things to do have become nearly unbearable. I hope to read this back someday and have it remind me why I am undertaking such a difficult journey.
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February 28th, 2009 | 
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