Necessary Mutilation

I haven’t written here in some time as I’ve been quite depressed lately and my juices have stopped flowing.  The best news this week was that Tom found his wedding ring - blaming the fact that it was under his writing desk on “the cats!”

The “bad” news stared with the overall let-down feeling I’ve had since meeting with the psychologist, and has continued into the week relating to a sudden insurance change and (over-)exposure to graphic details about bariatric surgery and its aftermath.  Suddenly I feel as if reality has slapped me in the face - I’m anxious and sad and worried and mad.  Upset and sad at what a unilateral and self-serving experience the psychologist visit turned out to be; worried and anxious about our finances with the 2/1 changeover from BC/BS of WNY to BC/BS of Michigan through Tom’s retiree plan at Delphi (soon to be switched to GM).  When the 14-page notice came in the mail a few days ago announcing such significant changes in coverage, I nearly puked with anxiety at its bad timing.  I immediately called the Bariatric Center and engaged in a conversation that probably made little sense to either of us as I was still struggling to absorb the meaning of new terms like “co-insurance,” “deductible,” and “allowed amount.”  What I was told is that BC/BS of Michigan, up to just recently, had had a requirement that candidates must undergo six months of medically supervised diet prior to authorization for surgery.  Not that I’m against the concept but thankfully this requirement was recently dropped and hopefully plans can continue as I had originally anticipated - although more expensively now that we must pay for “100% of routine office appointments” and other larger co-pays.

I wonder if visits associated with this surgery are “routine.”  To me there’s nothing “routine” about stomach amputation!

In other anxiety-provoking and depressing news, I made the mistake of 1) doing more research on-line, and 2) reading the book my friend Nancy delightedly lent me (Life After Bariatric Surgery), which she’d discovered on a recent library visit.  Gak!

Suddenly, fear and uncertainty have overtaken the honeymoon calm of having made my decision.  I feel overwhelmed at the “big picture” from pain to recovery to commitments of lifelong diet, exercise, and vigilance as described by those who know.  For now, I am subscribing to the “TMI” theory - something my friend often refers to her young nephews saying when they hear something yucky or private.  “Too much info!  Aunt Debbie, please stop!”

I believe that if I am to stay sane and reasonably centered I will likely need to minimize my exposure to all but the earliest steps - which right now feel overwhelming enough.  Even just waiting for the call to meet with the surgeon and begin preliminary medical testing is exhausting and difficult enough, and basically I’m not doing anything yet.  In fact, in my second telephone call to the Center I asked if I should be dieting or exercising or something while I’m waiting, and was told that it was OK to just hang tight until given instructions by the surgeon.  I ‘fessed up that I’m probably eating even more now as I wait, out of both anxiety and some feeling that each meal may be my last. The lady at the Center laughed and said, “that’s normal, everybody does that.”  God bless her 100 times over!  At least now I can eliminate guilt from my list of angst-ridden and tortured emotions!