Necessary Mutilation

OK — I’ve done it. Someone online wrote to: decide, commit, then act. I feel astoundingly relieved, light, exhilarated! I called the Bariatric Center after finding the number on-line the other day, and left an eager message in the morning while on my day off. I knew they’d call back because everyone on line had written that they were excellent with such things at this place. However, hours of nerve-wracking silence had to be endured first. Then, when she finally did call it was while I was stuck on the other line with a neighbor seeking advice about roof repairs and I could barely click over, breathless, in time, to sound like the calm patient fat person I had hoped to. Then, while she was in the middle of being flummoxed by the fact that my social security number matched another me from 9 years ago (when I had my past surgeries there ) - the lawyer for a lingering estate matter called thru on the other line (I love/hate caller id!) and I lost her when I tried to briefly click over to ask him to hold that thought!

Once this crisis was resolved and she explained that her only role was to send an on-line questionnaire and video presentation (complete with quiz!) to my e-mail address, I relaxed. I’m not sure what I had expected.

Intent on setting a world record for compliance, eagerness, and timeliness, I immediately retrieved my “package” and set about completing the questionnaire. In addition to all the usual demographic questions, it included pages of questions on weight at different times in my life (e.g., high school, 10 years ago), historic/family/support information, and health history.

Most difficult for me was the required “Diet/Exercise Program” history from the last 5 years (2003-2008) with samples included. “Bob” - or whoever completed the sample - clearly had a better memory and better diet and exercise history than I did! Atkins, Weight Watchers, Nutri-System - you name it, “he” had tried it. What didn’t “he” try!? I can only hope my prior attempts to lose look as pathetic and futile on paper as his do.

Tomorrow I will attempt to do the next step: call my primary for an exam, and to have him complete his “medical necessity” forms and authorize that I won’t drop dead engaging in the required pre-op exercise class.

Oh, and I “accidently, on purpose” told the first person (other than my husband) what I’m considering, and this from an innocent telephone call that began with a dining room set for sale and ended up with her concerns about my “messing with what nature/God gave you.” Her being an organic-minded, Italian, homeopathic, skinny woman in her 50s, just what did I expect? Not that she was hurtful, dissuasive or a naysayer - just a realist and skeptic … I guess. I’m sure she’ll remain a great and loyal friend, support, and help. I’m OK with her shock, really. In fact, it is shocking.