Necessary Mutilation

The thoughts are solidifying and taking form — I can do this; I must do this; others before me have succeeded with this.

I spend the day researching the topic both generically and at the local front. I look up bariatric surgery, bariatric surgery vs. lap-band, dangers of bariatric surgery, success rates of both types, statistics, and side effects. Somehow, whereas the horrors associated with things like mortality rate, vomiting, diarrhea, and other unpleasantries were enough to deter me and send me reeling from the computer in the past, now I merely skim this information and find myself much more drawn to reading aspects of positive change. I especially revel in personal stories of success - and read and reread entries by individuals in particular who have undergone bariatric surgery with Dr. JC in Buffalo, New York - my city, my chosen doctor, maybe soon to be my disciple too!

I am heartened by and feel fate has led me to this Dr. C. He is who has performed both gallbladder (removal) and hernia (repair) surgeries on me in 1999/2000. He is the kindly doctor with the compassionate manner and excellent bedside manners that I remember and have now read others speaking well about as they bare their soul and bodies before him.

I am definitely one who bases every relationship whether personal or medical on not so much the degree, professionalism, or knowledge one possesses, but by manner of relating and degree of empathy. I once ran crying from an exam preliminary to a colonoscopy when the highly recommended and supposedly knowledgeable gastroenterologist hurt my feelings. Only years later and at possible jeopardy to my colon did I carefully hand choose the most gentle, kindly, Doogie Houser like young and cute doctor to perform my colonoscopy without even using anesthesia! (Relevant needle phobia - make note!).

Same with my primary M.D. He seems to care, has a good sense of humor, has apparent compassion, and is strict but not foreboding. This allows me to tolerate comments like: “You’re fat - stop eating a million calories a day!” and “You’re lucky you’re still somewhat healthy despite yourself.” Perhaps I should be appalled, hurt, indignant…horrified. I guess it’s all in the delivery and honesty. It’s hard not to like him and feel he’s on your side despite such comments. Something about the way he conveys humility and genuineness despite it all. And, I can’t help but sympathize with any doctor stuck with perpetually fat and ever gaining me who has developed sleep apnea, diabetes and high blood pressure while on his watch. As a social worker invigorated by others’ receptivity to my guidance and wisdom (ha!), I know firsthand the sad resign that comes when clients can’t or don’t grab hold of life preservers I send their way.

It’s likely though that I’ve embodied society’s view of myself (fat people) as deserving differential treatment, bordering on disrespect, even by their doctors. Perhaps you’re cringing as you read this and I should have cringed as I wrote this. It’s scary that I can’t even tell for sure. Interestingly, when the doctor’s comments were run by a skinny friend of mine who sees this same doctor, she had the chutzpah to be appalled for both herself and me … unless she was just doing so to sound like a protective, sympathetic friend.

Perhaps the answer will come in my 100s (pounds, that is, not years)!