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Monday, February 8th, 2010
Weight: 210.4 lbs.
Yesterday was almost entirely an “in” day, and I am pleased to have gotten a lot of stuff done. But, I remain anxious that there is always so much more to tend to, both here, and soon to be at work.
We did shlup out briefly just before dinner time to pick up a few items at Tops, and I didn’t even feel like dressing for the occassion. I had been wearing a sleep/sweat outfit all day - you know, underwear and bra less. The good news about Buffalo winters, is that I figured my big, bulky coat would hide everything, and if I kept a hand on my pants, this would keep them from sliding down, as I often must do at home. You’d think I’d just move into a smaller size, but I like these pants and will probably wear them until they actually do fall off.
Anyway, so off we shlubbed, me unkempt with hair uncombed - but we were only to be minutes. In and out, right. Until I heard “Donna!! Hi!” from a distance. I was horrified to see anyone I knew, and was somewhat relieved that it was “just” an old client. But, a very obsevant one, who wanted to chat for like ever, and who was kind and observant enought to say that “you’ve lost a ton of weight!” While he looked me up and down and actually noticed me, which is exactly what I was hoping NOONE would do. Achhhhh! Note to self: Don’t go shopping even for a moment, in your pajamas! Fashion maven, I’m not!
On the good hand, I now have become addicted to this supermarket’s Monopoly game after having been given 8 pieces at the register and now missing only one to qualify for a years worth of gas. Sorry Debbie, who I was gonna give my pieces to! I have been whipped into a gambling frenzy and am now on a mission!
Speaking of, Tom and I am thinking to head to the casino after all today to redeem our ever dwindling points and freebies there. We plan to go at lunch time between his bus shifts, and this will support our plans to stay just long enough that we use their money, and not ours.
We will also eat there, so buffet, here I come. Now that I am sort of back to losing and rarely go out to eat, it should be easier to see what eating like this may do to me. Although I am pretty well trained by now in what I can and cannot choose there, and typically stay pretty on track.
Yesterday I ate the “usual suspects” and at times find it trite to report my diet here since it varies so little. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m no chef or gourmand, and Tom and I both prefer simple, typical food items like soups and sandwiches and salads and such. I had leftovers from our Greek night out with the girls on Saturday, some broiled chicken from Tops, steamed cauliflower, my usual (but lesser of!) nuts, and oatmell with pb and a banana in it for breakfast. See how boring!
And spaking of boring, at the risk of becoming this altogether today as I really have little to say…I’ll sign off instead!
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Sunday, February 7th, 2010
Weight: 210.7 lbs.
I couldn’t get enough sleep last night, and now have awoke feeling groggy and woozy. And for some reason, as soon as I hunker down into bed every night, my hips and lower back and legs start throbbing and hurting so much sometimes, that it keeps me up. It then takes a long time in the morning to walk the pain off, and for some reason, this problem is getting progressively worse. Much less often I hurt in similar ways during the day - although occassionally my hips and lower back do hurt so bad that I must sit down or they feel as if they will snap from the pressure. I’m not sure what this is all about, but some years ago I had seen a chiropractor and had an X-ray of my lower back, and was shockingly told that I had an old fracture in my lower spine that I was previously completely unaware of but that may have explained the cause of the pain I was having that sent me to the chiropractor in the first place. I’m not sure if this is a back thing, a hip thing, both, or perhaps a saggy mattress, as Tom is speculating. Next weekend we will be out of town and staying in a hotel to attend Tom’s nephew’s wedding, so I will get a chance to see if I feel any better sleeping on a hopefully firmer, newer mattress!
OK - now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let me get to what I know that you all have been waiting for. Actually, I am already thrilled that I have listened to you and decided to do the measurement thing, because in measuring my waist, I discovered already that I have gone down about 3 inches from where I was just a week or two ago when I playfully measured this with my friends over. At that time I was down 10.5 inches from what I had recorded as my starting waist measurement - so now I am down 13 inches. I guess. Debra’s theory about losing inches despite the scale hardly budging is so true, and I am so pleased!! Now I even feel somewhat vindicated over all my diligence with seemingly little results, and surely this will help me maintain perspective better if once again the scale is sluggish. (”IF” - Ha! I should say “WHEN!”)
So, here goes:
Waist: 41 inches (still huge and heart attack wide, but way better!)
Upper Arm: (including bat wings…15 inches)
Upper Leg: (God I’m getting hangy…26 inches)
Wrist: So you can see how small boned I am - 5 3/4 inches
Ankle: 8.5 inches
Bust: Bigger than my waist and I’m not sure if this is good or bad! 45 inches
Where am I forgetting?? What else should I be measuring? I hope I am holding the tape correctly and measuring where I should be. The waist one is spanning my belly button and where my fat indents around the middle. The boobs was harder and wierder and considering sag and all, I’m not sure that I got it right. Any advice would be welcome!
Well, there you have it, I guess. Can anyone speak to how they think I am doing, comparitively speaking. Is about 13 waist inches an ok or expectable loss to correlate to about 93 lbs. Why do some people seem to lose so many more clothes sizes and I feel as if I can still fit into my 3x’s - albeit very baggy. I now wear everything from x-larges to 2x at times, depending on the cut, my mood, and how worn the item is. I’m guessing that 22’s are my best fit at this time, although I haven’t really tested this out and gone out to try on real clothes from a real store yet, or anything. I’m not sure if my old grandma clothes count as an accurate measure or not.
Well, speaking of, I was bad and skipped my work out yesterday and don’t want to repaet this today. So, off I go to sweat off a few more millimeters, and I’ll check back in later!
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Saturday, February 6th, 2010
Weight: 210.5 lbs.
(My mind, anyway!)
The fact that I slept a fitful, anxiety induced sleep last night and awoke feeling messed up, is putting a damper on the good news that my weight finally budged into new territory. I had dreams all night about a rabbit and other pets under my care that I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to feed for so long as to be incompatible with life, leaving me to spend hours and days trying to find said animals to see if it wasn’t too late. Of course, I only remembered my error while far enough away from where ever the creature lived, that I had to spend agonizing and guilt ridden time trying to first get to, and then find the animal where I had left it at home. And then try to frantically feed it back to health. The rabbit turned up behind the fridge, looking dead at first. To my joy, he was alive, but barely, and I was able to somewhat nurture him (or her!) back to health by feeding him banana slices and grapes (hey, its a dream, what can I say?!)
I have had dreams like this before, where I suddenly realize with horror that I have neglected to provide any sustenence or care for one or several pets, and that somehow I have left them home alone with nothing for days or weeks. Usually it is our cats or several cats, and the guilt and shame of what I have done is all encompassing. Sometimes I find the animals (and sometimes it is rooms of plants that I have neglected to water for weeks or months) in time, and sometimes it is too late to do anything, or I can’t ever find where the animal has crawled off to. This is especially horrible!
If this isn’t symbolic of trying to get back in touch and nurture long forgotten or neglected parts of my psyche, I don’t know what is! I figure that my subconscious must be trying to hook up with “lost” aspects of my being, and trying to breath life back into them as I have clearly left them out to dry.
I also assume that the meeting that I did end up having (albeit with just one of my supervisors) triggered this anxiety, although frankly I am still unsure of the direct connection. What I do know is that I am never good with change, and the meeting represents a lot of it, and the offer of full time work with health insurance, if I choose. Although we never hashed out the details and I can’t know yet if it is worth my while to consider this, I do know that our health care is becoming one of our primary expenses ever since Tom’s GM plan went down the tubes, and we both worry greatly about this. Good coverage could mean everything to us in this day and age, but on the other hand, I’m sure that my salary would be adjusted accordingly, AND, I am not sure if I could stand or want to work full time. I have been there 15 years, and only know how to function as a per diem employee who bases my hours on my caseload on any given day, enjoys significant autonomy, and works in a concentrated manner as this is the nature of consulting.
Regardless of whether I accept this or not, I have been asked and of course am flattered and open to performing numerous more duties in any given day or week. Some I half expected and some I wasn’t even aware needed doing. Some would be interesting and short term, and some tedious and forever. Some require start up time, creativity and computer savvy.
So nothing bad came of our initial time together, but it is just one of several more meetings to come, and the beginning of much more work and responsibility for me. This will gladly translate to more hours, which I have been wanting, but also to more insanity, which I fear. Somedays already I am so busy and harried as to be pushed near the edge by the simple tasks of counseling, that I worry how I will juggle so much more time and stress wise. We’ll have to see how I can find to incorporate all this into my existing “lifestyle” both at work, and at home. Hopefully I won’t turn to food for comfort as we all know people like I so often do!
And speaking of eating, I came home from the meeting feeling drained and apprehensive, and initially desiring to go out to eat. But on the drive home I surprisingly talked myself out of it as more and more so lately it seems a waste of time, money and food to do so, plus it jeopardizes the better focus I have had lately. I decided that we had plenty of good stuff at home, and Tom and I both did well eating tuna over salad instead. I also ended the day feeling pleased with my healthy and moderate day’s consumption, and perhaps, have begun losing again as a result. My diet consisted of turkey in a wrap, some cheese, the aforementioned tuna salad, some peanuts, half an avacado (in the salad), an orange, and for breakfast, natural peanut butter on thin bread. Nothing else that I can recall.
Tonight Debbie and Janet are due over and we may go out, but since this would be the first and only time this week, I won’t feel so guilty about it and can choose carefully. We tend to pick Greek restaurants anyway as we all like them, so this is easy for me as I am a souvlaki lover.
Tomorrow I hope to do the measuring thing, and would have today if my energy wasn’t so screwy and I didn’t have so much else to spew about. I hope to sleep better tonight and find some peace and perspective with time….and not eat my way through this process either! Wish me luck!
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Friday, February 5th, 2010
Weight: 211.8 lbs.
Ouch! I woke up today aching from head to toe and am not sure whether I slept funny or whether I am coming down with something. I am so stiff and hurty! Also, yesterday I got stuck at work until after 6:00 and had a wearisome, somewhat demoralizing day that left me having bad and anxiety related dreams all night, and the residual, icky feeling that comes from unfinished business, stress, and uncertainty.
I am also a little anxious as I am awaiting word from my supervisor as to whether today’s meeting, rescheduled from last Friday, is on or not. If it is, he told me yesterday that he can’t make it before 5:00! Who meets at 5:00 on a Friday?! The sad thing is that if it does get scrapped, I will not be allowed to go in this afternoon for the other things I had hoped to cover at work, as they are not reimbursable services and can’t be justified as stand alone events. Meaning that if I were there anyway or there for a meeting, then I could slip them in, but not if I am going in special for them.
So, I am hurting AND in limbo. Not my favorite states of being!
In more mundane news, I am at least hovering a little lower in my fatness! I do wonder if limiting how many nuts I inhale on a daily basis is helping, or if it is the natural progression of things. Or if I will gain back up again tomorrow as I often do, and all this wondering will be moot!
Yesterday I ate backwards, having a sliced turkey sandwich (on wrap) for breakfast and the leftover half for lunch, and scrambled eggs for dinner. I’m not sure why really, except that it felt right at the time. I also ate a banana, some peanuts in the shell, and a low cal yogurt for snacks etc. All told, I didn’t eat a whole lot yesterday or the day before, so you would think that the scale might start to budge.
I also was recently asked about eating out by a friend, and realized in talking to her about this that Tom and I rarely do this anymore. For the first time in our marriage we eat out way less than in, and we just naturally and comfortably settle in at home for food prep each evening. Only when I think about it now, do I recall how unheard of this was before. Now, I actually find myself enjoying the prep. of simple dishes, and the time, money and energy saved overall by not going out nearly every day. You’d think that we’d now have way more disposable income by saving like $20 a day or something, but for some reason we feel none the richer, and can’t account for where all this savings might be going. To the grocery store, I suppose.
Well, I’d best sign off and face the basement beasts despite my achey, breaky body… and maybe this will get some kinks out and loosen me up. On the other hand, even exercise can’t heal my aching brain that’s still reeling from overload at work yesterday, and the possibility of more to come today. Although exercise may act as a stress relief in this way, for what ails my brain otherwise, I suspect there is no cure!
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Thursday, February 4th, 2010
Weight: 212.1 lbs.
It’s funny that I got writing people back in the comments section this morning, and almost forgot afterwards to write my post today! I am so heartened by so many helpful, interesting and informative comments most days, that it now almost feels as if my blog itself, is secondary!
In other thoughts, I woke this morning feeling rather content and pleased with my health and weight, and had dreams and thoughts through the night that this is my final destination. There was almost a sense of peace and complacency associated with this, and it was both nice, and horrifying. I have like 80 more lbs. that I could stand to lose, and yet there is a voice inside of me saying that I am done already! I don’t know if this is a reflection of how stuck I have been feeling and therefore how adjusted I have become to this weight, or if it is becasue part of me has come to feel so healed by what I have already lost, that I am ok where I am. Either way, I must shake myself out of this thought process, because it is deluding me into being satisfied at only a halfway point and at a level that remains dangerous to my health. Being grateful for what I have achieved and celebrating these accomplishments while continuing my journey, is another thing altogether, and the mentality that I must embrace instead. I am glad that this inner voice got flushed out this morning, as I do think that at some level, it has been there for a while, and could be a source of self sabotage if allowed to take root. Not long ago I was watching Suzi Ormen’s show about financial advice, and she actually had one of the Biggest Loser contestants on who had lost like hundreds of pounds, but couldn’t take off the remaining so many. Suzi, while also dispensing financial advice that correlated to the “Losers” overall mental state, correctly guessed that the woman had likely grown complacent with what she had already achieved, and was resting on her laurels with little oomph to continue her process, due to this. The woman herself acknowledged that she felt fine and was mostly good in comparison to where she began, so it was hard to care whether she continued to lose more or not. Suzi recommended that she focus forward instead of looking over her shoulder at where she had come from so as not to fuel the wrong type of comparison and undermine her journey.
Or something like that. This is what I took from it anyway, and the fact that this exchange stood out in my mind, tells me also that it had some underlying meaning for me too, and that I have these same forces at work within me. Now acknowledged, hopefully they will be easier to combat though.
In other thoughts, I am wondering if my local cohort, Libby, is still an occasional reader here. I tried to comment on her site (losinglibby.blogspot.com) yesterday, but for some reason, couldn’t get signed in. Anyway, I am so chagrined over what sounded to me like shoddy treatment from our bariatric site in responding to her emergency call to them while in severe pain . She writes that although she called Dr.”P”, they didn’t call back, and it wasn’t until she called back herself the next day, that someone told her what ideas he had about her pain, and that if it continued, that she should go (back to!) the ER. He speculated that it might be this or that, but after another bout that warranted a return to the hospital and more tests, it turned out to be her gallbladder, which now needs emergency removal. I am mad for her that she seems to have been treated so dismissively (although not surprised!), and that her gallbladder wasn’t the first thing that people thought of, given that she still had one going into this and that since her July surgery, has lost many lbs., which is often a trigger. God, I could have probably diagnosed her more accurately and quicker myself! AND, I would have called her back the first time!
Eeech…sorry, and hopefully I am not using her difficulties to fuel my own soap box. And please join me here in wishing a fellow gber well and a safe surgery. If you do still check in here Libby, please let us know how you are doing!
Well, I have eaten into my exercise time and should consider getting ready for work soon too…so, I’ll stop rambling and get a move on. Yikes, its late!!!
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Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
Weight: ——
Today I am taking a hiatus from weighing…really! Today I am going to not care what the scale says and focus on way more meaningful things. I always have a niggle of resentment about how (over) emphasized weight and looks and all things bariatric can be and how this seemingly takes such precedence over other aspects of life, and today, I am taking a break from all of this and honoring things that I am grateful for that matter as much in the scheme of things.
Just for today, I woke feeling inspired to write of my profound gratiude for what I am priveledged to do for a living and how I am invited into the inner lives, tears and fears of my disabled clients and how blessed I am to have them open up to and trust in me. Every day I am honored by their love and respect, and have opportunities to see people heal and grow and thrive when provided support and guidance. I am also honored when people trust me enough to share their secrets, their rage, their woundedness, and allow me to walk them through different doors than those they came in through. I am so fortunate to have passion for the population I serve, and love what I do, especially as so many people I know are floundering at work or are struggling to find meaning in their jobs.
Also just for today, I give thanks for the opportunity to walk alongside my Compeer friend’s difficult life, and have been afforded the chance to see what she has had to deal with on an everyday basis. Nothing I have ever done in the more sterile enviroment of my work office could have prepared me for this very public view of Kris’ suffering, disenfranchisement, prejudicial treatment by ignorant others, and everday struggles. She has taught me so much in her humility, resilience, bravery and spirit, and I can only hope that what little I have done for her when she was well enough to receive it, is even a modicum of what she has given me.
Also today, I want to emphasize the meaning of having a kind and unconditionally loving husband and wonderful friends. From a background of abuse, distrust and a shyness bordering on pathological, I am amazed even at my own ability to have developed such healthy, nurturing and meaningful relationships. And that I didn’t marry an abuser and recreate old patterns of shame and pain. My friends are also healthy, ethical, kind, generous and caring, and this contributes to meaningful, deep and reciprical connections that are life giving and healing, especially given the absence of family in my life.
Lastly today, I want to honor the wonders of having such amazing support and friendship in the form of strangers feeling as if they are part of my everyday life and healing network. Through this blog, I have “met” some incredible and kind people who have offered up their advice, journeys and struggles to connect with mine and to selflessly respond each time I falter. Together I feel that we are soldiers marching towards health and “sobriety”, and I feel such empowerment and joy from our numbers. I also feel priveledged, especially given my complete ineptitude at everything computer, to have joined forces with my brother in development of this site, and appreciate his commitment of time and sweat equity to keep it running. This has both solidified and stressed our relationship at times, but I continue to have hope for the good this has done in providing us common ground and ensuring that he and I remain connected, especially given the lack of other family members in either of our lives.
So, just for today, I am feeling the lightness that comes from a life that’s turned around from bleak beginnings, and that this is a far more meaningful sense of “lightness” than anything the scale could tell me!
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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
Weight: 212.3 lbs.
The “B” household may be getting some answers about things that have plagued us lately. For instance, Tom saw the doctor yesterday, and received antibiotics for what is said to be bronchitis. This explains his persistent cough and malaise.
I, on the same hand, may have come upon a possible source of my difficulty losing. Yesterday, after running around town and doing all my outside chores, I came home and saw Tom off to work for his afternoon shift. I hunkered down in front of the tv to watch a dvr movie that I had taped the night before. I usually multi task when and if I watch tv, so that I am not a total slug. I do things like cut coupons, read the paper, write letters and notes to self etc. Anyway, yesterday I was spent from my errands and just happy to relax, and brought out a bag of pistachios to enjoy while watching what turned out to be the wierdest foreign movie ever. I mindlessly munched away, and noticed only when full, how large my bowl ‘o castoff shells was. I eat nuts very often, and have never really measured or counted my intake before - but something about this huge bowl of shells made me realize that I may be sorely exceeding even the 1 ounce or recommended serving, let alone what is a reasonable amount for someone with a supposedly 2 ounce pouch for a stomach.
So…I counted the castoffs. Guess how many nuts I’d mindlessly managed to consume?! A serving is listed as 49.
I ate 138!!! Nearly 3 full servings! At 170 calories per serving! And this was just a “snack!” Yak!!
The value of measuring as told by so many here, keeps now coming to mind! What was I thinking, and almost comically, just how the heck can I even hold that many nuts? That evening I got a call from my friend Barb, and we laughed hysterically (hey, its better than crying!) about how they are probably all lined up in a row in my esophagus and everywhere, since it seems so unlikely that they could have all fit in my “stomach.”
So, what have I learned? Well, first off, to count out any nuts hereafter, and allow no more than a serving. Also, to not munch idley, especially in front of the tv alone, and when a wierd, bad movie is playing. LOL!
Seriously though, given that I still can eat in large quantities without feeling it, I wonder how much more of everything I may be sneaking in without realizing it. I will be paying close attention to this, and taking smaller portions if necessary. As I’ve written, I have not been one to measure or weigh, but seriously didn’t think that I had to. I’m still not convinced altogether that my nut extravaganza translates to everyday overeating or typically large portion sizes - but am open to paying more attention. For nuts at least, I think that I do likely overindulge without noticing. This will stop!
The only good thing I can say about this is that I am exceedingly regular, if you know what I mean, and I am aware that nuts are good for you in many ways. Of course, if quantity was what mattered, I’d be fit as an ox by now!
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Monday, February 1st, 2010
Weight: 213.4 lbs.
I’ve found a new word for my weight situation. “Hovering.” I don’t really lose, I hover over lower weights temporarily, teasing myself into thinking that I may finally have actually gone down, only to go back up the next day(s). Has anyone else noticed that I have been in the same range for like ever, now?! I’d like to think that my average weight has at least gone down a little, but am not even sure that this is so.
If you are a diligent reader here, and especially if you subscribe to the comments section, you also know that this has been a topic of discussion for a while. And that many have given advice about lowering my carbs., increasing my protein and /or workouts, and drinking more. Basically, doing better in all arenas.
Although these may provide the key to breaking my hovering pattern and speed things up, I must admit that I am disheartened by how much work and thought must go into this, and how even when I think that I am doing well, I must really not be. Who knew that it would all be so hard and so similar to my lifestyle BEFORE surgery?! I guess that I had come to believe, as I swear that the doctors and nuts also said, that simply eating less and with decent diligence, that the rest would fall in place. No one ever said that I could not eat from certain food groups nearly ever (ie: carbs), or that decent, healthy, moderate food choices would do little to promote actual weight loss. Perhaps I am healthier - I certainly feel ok for the most part and am very grateful for what I have lost, but will I stay obese, even if eating as I now am? The rub for me is that others seem to lose, even those who haven’t had surgery, on my diet!
Anyway, these are the grousings of one chagrined and confused puppy…. I worry that if it is this hard at 9 months out when supposedly I still have a bariatric advantage (???), then just what will my body do in double the amount of time? Or my mind?! God, why does it so often feel as if this is the same challenge I’ve always faced, weight and will wise - you know, the one I obviously lost, or I wouldn’t be writing any of this in the first place?!
Anyway - although I may sound resigned and hopeless, and perhaps feel a little of this, I am really just sharing my innermost thoughts, and grousing aloud that which I find provacative and puzzling. I will, of course, forge forward, and use advice to the best of my ability. Which means better at some times, than others - but mindfully nonetheless.
Today we are NOT going to the casino as now our freebies have dwindled expectedly to the point where it is hardly worth it (plus, we can’t be trusted there, speaking of addictions!). I am actually relieved and glad, and won’t have their buffet on my resume for today’s menu, either. I have much to do in and around the house, and Tom has two doctor appointments.
I have put together a large crock of boneless, skinless breast of chicken, fresh cauliflower and carrots, green beans and onions. This should be done by dinner, and be a decent meal or 10 for still sick Tom, and I. We broke down and had to enter the real and very cold world yesterday in order to grocery shop, and bought a crap load of veggies and meats and dairy and fruits at Aldi’s who were having a great sale. I thought that I ate pretty ok yesterday, but I guess that the scale doesn’t lie, so I’m not sure any more. I can’t remeber everything as it seemed to be a long, meandering day and I do admit that instead of actual meals, I had little bits of this and that, for much of the day. You know… nuts, leftover half a wrap sandwich, my leftover souvlaki, a pear etc. I hadn’t yet commited, and perhaps still haven’t wholeheartedly, to eliminate carbs, so I did do the fruit thing. And now we’ve gone and purchased apples, pears, oranges, grapes and bananas…and although I am pleased that Tom is learning to grab for these instead of crap like in the past, there is way too much for just him to finish off. I will just have to figure out how to incorporate fruit into my diet so it “does the least damage,” if you will. Geez - I just hate having to even say this!
So…today I am mercifully off from work, and feel somewhat less blechhh both emotionally and physically, and the sun is shining. So, I will try to use my physical and mental energy productively and do myself and my readers “proud.” My first stop is to the basement machines to move my booty….so until tomorrow, I’m outta here!
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Sunday, January 31st, 2010
Weight: 212.4 lbs.
Tom remains quite sick, and I feel like crap of an undetermined kind. I slept poorly as my hips and lower back and tummy ached so, and I am full of restless, annoyed energy and just feel yucky. Tom has gone back to bed after getting up and eating a lttle. It is not even yet 9:30 am.
I can tell already that we are gearing up for another exciting day in the “B” household!
I did manage to force myself to work out this morning, but must say that it was strictly out of a sense of guilt and obligation. If I had my druthers, I’d be back under the covers myself now too. Last night Janet came over and we spent a low key evening eating Greek food out, and then vegetating in front of the tv together. I am guessing that today will be more of the same, sans Janet.
Tom’s nephew and his soon to be wife also stopped in on their way to take Tom to see their son wrestle, and I must say that they were a pleasant diversion from the blahs. They are young and brought energy and enthusiasm to our currently blah lives. Tom probably shouldn’t have gone out anywhere yesterday, but he too got caught up in the frenzy, and besides, isn’t one to sit much, even when sick. Today though, he is throwing in the towel on church, and we likely won’t run the errands we should either, as neither of us feels up to heading out in the 10 degree weather.
As to my weight and diet, I remain somewhat stymied and discouraged, but must divest and focus on just the simplicity of eating well overall and keeping on top of my exercise. This mentality helps, especially as I am weary and not up to thinking too deeply at the moment. Yesterday I chose souvlaki (chicken and beef mixed) for dinner, but cheated on some snack items of a tray of dried fruits, nuts and assorted other crunchies that we had laying around. I also drank probably way too much coffee throughout the day. I had half a wrap of cheese and turkey for brakfast, and pistachios in between. I think I did better on protein yesterday, but was lax on veggies. It is hard to get all the right things in every day. But, you gbers already know that!
Well, I am off to go feel sorry for myself now…and throw another load in the washing machine and such. Hopefully I can find the right balance between discomfort, misery, and productivity, on this lovely, freezing, blah, achey late January day in lovely Buffalo! Wish me luck!
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Saturday, January 30th, 2010
Weight: 211.5 lbs. (!)
It is after 9 am and I have just risen. Tom remains in bed which is highly unusual for him. If it weren’t for an occassional cough, I would be concerned that he was dead. He seems to be getting sicker, and I think that he had trouble sleeping last night due to his increasingly virulent cough. Stupidly, we did go out to dinner with friends Charlie and Nancy last night, and although we technically had a good time, this probably was too taxing for Tom who had also worked an extra shift at work and seems to be getting more and more run down. Today he is supposed to watch his nephew’s son wrestle at a local school, but maybe he’ll reconsider.
For my part, although I seem to have lost back what I gained, at least for the moment, I am sluggish, unmotivated and weary. I have been feeling lackluster for days, and can’t tell if this may be a precursor to physical illness, or if I am just suffering from the doldrums. Or both.
I haven’t exercised today yet, and at the moment, the thought of it ranks up there with needles to my eyeballs. I am achey and tired, and can’t actually think of anything I feel like doing. Poor Janet, who is in a terrible state herself, is due over for dinner tonight…and I am now wondering if this will be one misery fest rather than anything. Blechhhh….!
In other news, I seemed to have eaten what I though was more and worse yesterday, and of course, this is then when I seem to lose such that I am that much more confused about everything. For instance, I had eggs with cheese for breakfast (trying to up my protein too, as Canticles also suggested!), peanuts for later snack, some cheese slices for even later snack or maybe lunch, and dinner out which consisted of chicken with cheese, mushrooms and onions, cauliflower and brocolli on the side, and a salad w/ low cal dressing and some salt potatoes. I only ate a little of the latter, but pretty much cleared my plate of everything else.
So….although by my calculations I likely had more calories, did I lose because I had more protein, more sleep, more fluids (which I didn’t!), or it all just caught back up with me? Or, am I going to regain it back today as I often do anyway, making this even more moot?! Arghh… I always say that I need to get less caught up in day to day weights and diet, and look at the overall picture. Perhaps I need to stop fussing so, and do just this. Frankly, all this fretting is probably why I am losing again, as it probably takes a lot of energy to fuss this much!
Lastly, I am possibly on the cusp of some interesting data and perspectives regarding the toll that having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) can take on this process. I used obesityhelp’s search engine to look up “slow weight loss” and found a plethora of posts in particular, from people who have pcos. Over and over they referred to many of the same things that I complain of, including feeling left in the dust by other gbers, excessive hunger, gaining, and of course, all the other unpleasantries associated with this condition, like excessive hair growth except on the head, and boils. I was chagrined to read posts that sounded so much like mine, including a woman who said that it is hard for others to understand us and our differences, and that this is very hard when the majority of people function so differently after gastric bypass. This sounds so much like what I have been saying ALL ALONG, and she too said that she has experience this difference since “day one.” Over and over people with pcos wrote of things that for the first time since my surgery, I can totally relate to and no longer feel so alone with. There had got to be something to this, although I hope that it ain’t so because if so, the journey in fact is that much more difficult for “us”, and the toll of the biology of this condition, is graver than I realized. So, I am not sure if I stumbled upon heartening or bad news - but I am sure to do more “research” and read all I can about others experiences with pcos and gb. On one hand I feel as if I may have discovered a world of others like me, and on the other, I fear having this condition as an “excuse” for personal responsibility, and am leery that it become just this. I also feel conflicted that on one hand I identify so strongly with what so many said about their seemingly unique struggles, but, I also must say that I think even those without pcos have stalls and plateaus and gains and what not, and the solution might be the same regardless of the reason.
What this did do though, was remind me that my primary physician had warned me years ago, that in having pcos, I had to be that much more vigilant about staying away from carby foods, as my system is that much more sensitive to them given the insulin resistance of this condition. He warned that I needed to lead a “carb restricted” lifestyle. I know that all gb’ers must emphasize protein first and limit carbs. Perhaps I need to be even more mindful of this, and limit even good carbs like fruits and grains? I don’t really know, but what I did read is that a lot of people who initially saw a reduction in some of their pcos symptoms like acne and hair growth, had a resumption of this with a vengence after 6 or so months. Just like me! And now I wonder if this may be because they have become lax, as I have, in limiting all carbs. Could this retrigger our hormonal imbalance, contributing to the stalls, slow loss and even weight gain, as well as the other problems, in a way that is magnified over that of “normal” gbers??
Eeck - my brain is on overload even though my body is on shut down. But, the good news is that this will leave me time to troll the net for more info., and should you care, you can find it here as I learn more.
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February 8th, 2010 | 
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