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Saturday, July 31st, 2010
Weight: 190.5 lbs.
Unfortunately, I am not talking about my weight when I say that I have reached a new low. I think that I am referring to my current mood and morale.
Yesterday was a bone crunching, demoralizing, defeating and anxiety provoking day at work, and when I wasn’t up to my waist in doggie doo, I was getting chastised from first arrival, until 9:00 last night. Now I am not blaming anyone else except one staff memeber who was simply mean and rude and made little attempt to communicate effectively. The others (my colleagues, boss, bigger boss) who “corrected” me weren’t without cause, and I am properly humbled today for errors in my judgement that added to an already sticky work situation that really has nothing to fo with me.
But, regardless of how it played out and all that went poorly, I am very saddened and upset even today by it all, and in having to deal with this even through the evening yesterday, quite burnt out at every level. We are supposed to get together for a Lawn Fete with Rose today, and both tomorrow and Monday are long days out too. I am trying to think forward and get into weekend mode, but expect it will take time to wash the trauma off of myself. Having my period just magnifies everything.
It will be interesting to see if I eat more or less in response to this kind of stress, but for the moment, I feel mostly like crawling back into bed and sleeping for another year or two. This should allow for my weight to drop!
Yesterday, between traumatic phone calls and ongoing trickles from work, Tom and I did go out to dinner (which we rarely do anymore) and then briefly to the same Lawn Fete that we are due to go to today. I ate half of a chicken breast sandwich and some split pea soup, but was starving as I ate nothing but eggs for breakfast, and a banana for “lunch”. As part of the “trauma” at work, our coffee has been pulled and neither staff or consumers are allowed it in the counseling suite anymore. This will be especially hard for me, as I hydrate throughout the day on decaf and tea and rely on this in ready supply to function mentally and physically. I guess that I will have to plan my day out differently now, invest in a thermos and figure out (if) and how to manage this…assuming we can even have hot drinks at our desks at all.
So, I am not a happy camper today and off to a bumpy weekend start despite the nice plans we do have that ordinarily would cheer me.
Lets hope I can shake the work week off and get in the spirit…or, as is usually so, suck it up and march on regardless.
Sigh….
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Friday, July 30th, 2010
Weight: 190.6 lbs.
I keep staying up too late talking on the phone with one friend or another, and continue to be sleep depreived as a result. Or, perhaps it is the fact that I am stressed out by my job, iron is seeping out of me in record amounts, or I am still struggling to re-acclimate to the real world. Either way - yawn!
I have much to do at work today, but at least should have a clear path to getting things accomplished as it is strictly an administrative day. I have to meet with my superviser about a million things as well, including about my raise which I am still not sure yet has been approved or how to go about receiving it if payroll doesn’t know.
Oh, and speaking of money, we did have to pay that belated psychological bill for Dr. Dorkhead…adding insult to injury to this process. It seems that our good insurance got crappy BEFORE and not AFTER my meeting with him last March…leaving me also concerned about any other potential prerequisite doctor visits I may have had and forgotten about.. I’d hate to see surgical bills start trickling in too…and the reality is that our policy HAD changed before my 4/28/09 gastric bypass, so it is possible that aspects of this never got paid as well, I suppose. I am afraid to even think this or ask, so I guess we’ll just sit tight and hope for the best. Having the insurance we do now is rather like catostrophic care only, where all preventative appointments, labs and such aren’t covered at all, or we must first chew down a hefty deductible (ie: for labs) first, and even then, only some of it is covered. It is hard to understand all the formulas involved, so again, we will just wait to see whether there will be more fallout or not. We get enough bills from current appointments to keep us busy and broke, that it would suck hugely if old ones kept coming in as well.
Well, at least I am gainfully employed and building hours and workload that keeps me busy and clothed. I should stop grousing about working and be grateful…which actually I am, and hope this comes through despite my weariness and burn out at times.
And, speaking of which, I am keeping this short and sweet as I’ve gotta go soon to perform for our dinner….
And, this weekend will be so busy that Tuesday’s work will be upon me before I’ve dried off from Sunday’s Conesus Lake cottage adventure, Sunday’s metal detecting picnic or Saturday’s Lawn Fete.
What exactly was I complaining about?! I’ve forgotten already!
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Thursday, July 29th, 2010
Weight: 190.4 lbs.
Moan. I am in period pain, bloated, snarky and tired. Blecch!
I have a very long day scheduled today…and pity all 10 clients that have the misfortune of having me as their counselor on a day like this.
I was dumb about being on the phone until late again last night too, and once more, didn’t get in my beauty sleep as a result. I am running on empty, bleeding to death, in pain, and grumpy.
Wheeee!
But, I am smiling slightly at the fact that I continue to do ok weight wise, despite bloat, despite loosening my reigns, and despite shifting my focus from every bite I take to just living well. I actually am finding that I have no desire to go overboard or eat too badly or too much, and that some tenets of good eating have in fact managed to become second nature, and that I automatically try to eat with some balance. I have been a little munchier lately given both that we still have some damn cottage leftovers, and from what I now see has been pms induced hunger. But, even though I admittedly have supplemented better foods with crap, I tend to just grab a nibble or two and am still no where near the vacuum cleaner I used to be when it came to such foods. Neither my stomach or my head will allow for this.
In fact, I did bring some leftover cookies to work to feed hungry clients or co-workers should they be interested…and so far have had no takers. As a result, a full bag o’ cookies has been sitting on my desk since Monday…and I have had no interest either. I don’t feel tempted in the least, and they will likely be there along with some other stuff left behind in our storage cabinet, for some time to come.
So, I am continuing my journey of just going with my flow for now, and seeing where it takes me. No pun intended.
And if it weren’t for being so miserable today, I’d be quite happy about this!
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Wednesday, July 28th, 2010
Weight: 191.3 lbs.
Eeep…I’m running late this morning so hafta make this quick! I stayed up later than I should have again last night as Janet came over to help us put her cottage pics into both computers, and then ended up joining in with snacks and tv. I was nearly brain dead from my re=indoctrination into work and a long day, so could barely function and had Tom do anything technical as it was all I could do to even visit and drool in front of the tv.
Needless to say, this morning I am quite exhausted.
I do hope to post more pictures of our vacation etc. here once I have the time and energy. Perhaps I’ll do this this weekend.
One of the things I have been thinking about regarding cottage week, was my inability to weigh myself daily. This was a conspicious absence in my morning routine, and every day I felt funny not doing this, and wondered often where I stood weight wise. It was very wierd not having immediate feedback as I have become so used to, although on the other hand, it was also sort of liberating. As was not blogging daily, truth be told. Somehow this allowed for me to live more in the moment and not feel as accountable, and for good or bad, this was rather freeing. I am “lucky” to have not gone off the deep end too far with all this autonomy!
Now that I am back to daily weighing and blogging (and “normal” life), I do feel more of a responsibility to be mindful of what I eat and do. On the other hand, I am still feeling quite casual about the whole journey at this point, and have not regained a sense of urgency, passion, investment or desperation for losing, dieting or anything bariatric, as I had in my earlier days. I feel as if I am simply living, focused on a wider variety of issues, and at peace with myself and my choices for the most part. Although I have not lost all that I should or could have, I feel ok with where I am at for now, and perhaps complacency has set in. The good part about this though, is that I am no longer tormented by feelings of guilt and angst about every bite I take or decision I make. The bad news about this, is that I have at least temporarily lost my drive and motivation to invest too much into this process. I am simply winging it, meal by meal and day by day, and not overly concerned about how I am doing. As long as I am not gaining.
I think that at this point I will need to feel really run down, get tragic blood work results, gain or be shaken out of my sense of complacency by a doctor or something, in order for me to strive for much more. I have concluded that in the “race”, I am a meandering hare with no true hurry or even destination. I am simply walking slowly and enjoying the scenery along the way.
Bad? Good? Stupid? Delusional? Avoidant and denial ridden? Lazy? Insightful? Headed for a brick wall?
Call it and me what you like…but it is this for me for now, and I must be honest with myself and others. Especially as it has probably been obvious for a while anyway, given my resistence to work much harder at things for a while now, and a gradual shift in focus to other matters. It reminds me of a children’s book about death called “Lifetimes” that refers to the fact that there is birth and there is death, and there is living in between. For me, there is fatness and there is skinny, and there is ok with plump, in between.
I AM living - fully, richly, contentedly, with balance and self acceptance and hope and reconciliation in between.
At 191. With 60 plus lbs. to go but no urgency to get there.
Living in between.
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Tuesday, July 27th, 2010
Weight: 191.7 lbs.
I wanna go back to my little grass shack in wherever, wherever, Hawaii…! (Remember this song from your childhood? I can’t get it out of my head! Freudian, isn’t it?!)
I’m starting to crisp up already, and think I need another vacation.
I went into work for half day yesterday, and found my box full, my answering machine awash with messages, and everyone needing me for something. I returned calls to angry parents and upset staff, waded through old mail and forms left to my attention, dealt with a few leftover incidents, and generally remembered all over again what it is that I do for a living. I do like my job and the people that I work with and the clients that I serve, but still found my re-entry into “normal” life jarring, as I had expected. Today I work until late and have 11 clients in a row to counsel, so I should be even toastier by tomorrow. On the other hand, I stayed up late talking to a friend with such profound job woes that it makes my job look like cake, and I am well aware of the many who are either unemployed or underemployed, and am grateful for the good job that I do have. I am actually one of the only people I know who has a job just right for them, doesn’t fear being laid off every minute, and has a sane, decent place to hang my hat. So I’d better stop whining!!
As to other areas of reindoctrination, there is much to do around the house, including a desperate need to grocery shop for decent food items. All we have left is cottage crap, and as a result, we both have been eating old burgers and leftover chips and “gorp.” Its time to stock back up on well thought out food items, and clean away the last remmenants of cottage life and a lazy, casual summertime lifestyle. For good or bad.
Sigh….
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Monday, July 26th, 2010
Weight” 191.2 lbs.
I don’t want to be, but I am. Looking ahead, that is. There is much to tend to.
Today I am heading into work as tomorrow I have clients packed into every minute, and I fear that if any administrative work, phone calls or paperwork has been left for me in my absence (which is hugely likely!), then there is no way that I will have time to get to it until like Friday, as I have a record number of clients to see each day this week. I’d rather ease myself back into reality more gently that face so much stress all at once tomorrow. Either way, I yearn to be retired and living a perpetual lake existence, right about now. Sigh….
The other main thing I must follow up on that is even more distasteful is my bloodwork. I still have heard nothing from my bariatric center, so will likely need to be proactive. It seems odd that the last time they ordered bloodwork for me was about my fourth month post surgery (I believe), and I am now approaching my 15th month, and no one has checked on me any further. They say that they send out these little postcard thingies that I wrote my address on during my last visit…and I thought, have been clear that they initiate all processes for follow up visits and testing. By my math however, I am way overdue for having heard from them. I do wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that we lost our insurance coverage, and I am now private pay client there who is given a reduced rate as per their contract. Maybe somehow I am categorized differently or of less value or something. Whatever the case, I must admit that I have never felt the “love” with this center, and am not surprised that this is just one more thing with them.
So, I expect that this whole bloodwork process will be distasteful in every way, and especially the needle part! I do believe that I am (over)due to have many values checked and that probably many vials will have to be drawn. The other part I dread about this, is trying to squeeze some valium out of them. If you are a long time follower here or know me in other ways, you know what a nightmare this has been too.
And speaking of this, one of the pieces of mail that we came back to Saturday, was a $200 bill for my March, 2009 psychological for the surgery itself! The doctor’s office wrote that they had many unsuccessful attempts at collecting from my insurance (in the last year and a half?!), and now were billing me privately. I am shocked and dismayed, and now must try and figure out what went wrong and what to do about it. This is also especially insult to injury, as you may recall that I specifically used the bariatric psychologist recommended by my center due to it being covered…and the doctor was a complete, rude, disappointing jerk. I’m sure that I posted about my experience with him at the time, and I recall being very disheartened by his attitude and demeanor. I am NOT looking forward to grappling with his office and my (ex) insurance about this, but if I have to pay $200 for him, I think I will blow a gasket!!
Yuck…back to reality every which way!
The other area I must face and conquer, is that of my diet, exercise regime and weight. I haven’t yet wrapped my head around a better plan than the one I had before our trip, but do know that I have kept putting off getting more regimented or serious about things. Honestly, I don’t feel any more prepared to make changes just yet either, and want to ease back into other stressful realities first before I change everything up on myself all at once and shoot myself back into stress orbit all at once. I am rather freaked out enough already about work and bloodwork alone, thank you!
So…it is a time of sticking my toes back into the pool of reality, and trying to still hold onto the creamy, relaxed state I just came from.
Let’s see how long that lasts!
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Sunday, July 25th, 2010
Weight (drum roll here!): 191.4 lbs.
Well, I managed not to gain during cottage week despite eating like the natives and living the most hedonistic, relaxing lifestyle I can think of. We had the most wonderful time, and I still feel as if my body is rocking when I lay down at night, from all the lounging in rafts and such that we did.
The place was more beautiful than we knew it would be, as we rented it in winter and had no way of knowing that the landpeople had such green thumbs! You will see many shots of their lovely home next door, and their incredible handiwork. They were kind and accomodating people too, and when we needed things in a pinch (like a larger corn pot or how to keep the washing machine from screaming at me and shutting off), they were happy to come over and lend and item or a hand. They were also full of Westfield knowledge, as were the guidebooks I obsessively collected, allowing for us to find and visit several local hot spots. All told, we checked out the Farmer’s Market, a place called Crossroads which is a country shopping experience, a local museum and art gallery, a winery from the 1800’s, a casino in nearby Erie, Pa., antique stores, and a nearby harbor where we chose to do much of our swimming and rafting as the waters were calmer.
But mostly, we combed the beach looking for sea glass and cool stones which I love, walked the over 70 steps to and from “our” beach many times each day, and took numerous dips in the lake. We also made nighttime fires in the fire pit with wood the landlords provided, drank a lot and once set the grass on fire and tried to put the blaze out with kahlua (and then laughed ourselves silly at the thought after safely extimquishing it with water, instead). Clearly, I should not drink alcohol, as it went very quickly to my head and even a little wine made me sillier and stupider than usual. Once we brought wine and glasses with guests to the beach, and watched the sunset from there. We and our guests that night got quite snockered, and had a heck of a time struggling the chairs and bottles and ourselves back up the steps in the near dark afterwards. But thought that this too, was hysterical!
Oh, and did I mention the eating part? You know, bbq every meal. Laying out dish after dish in the cottage for people to make up their plates from, and trying to time the cooking of various meats with corn, salt potatoes and a hundred other dummertime delicacies that we either got at the farmers market, or that our guests brought. As we had quite a steady flow of visitors, we also accumulated more chips and watermelons and pasta salads than even Tom could consume, and came home with more food and containers than we started with! The fact that I still managed to lose a little weight, must be a testiment to the fact that I was also probably in non stop motion from sun up to sun down and beyond, and that nature provides many opportunities for aerobics that don’t feel nearly as objectionable as the treadmill etc. does at home!
Anyway, I took a billion pictures as well as am waiting for friends to send copies of theirs to me…and have selected some to post today. I hope to add more as more come in, and as I catch my breath between posts. If you are a blogger, you may already appreciate that it is very time consuming and labor intensive to get shots up…and this in part is why I didn’t blog until today, and so late. The other reason is one of pure exhaustion and the jarring nature of having to get back to reality by wading throught a weeks worth of mail and newspapers and other mundane things that make me want to escape back to the serenity that a lakefront cottage affords.
Well, I guess we’ll have to enjoy the memories instead…at least until next summer rolls around and we very likely do this all over again! And hopefully, some of our good friends who were unable to visit for various reasons this year will have a chance to next year. Some reasons were tragic, in fact, as Rose and Nancy’s mother died, and Barb’s vacation got cancelled over a serious work related matter.
I hope everyone reading here enjoys looking at these shots as much as I enjoyed taking them, and I dare say, I am not as self conscious about my looks and weight as I used to be, and can even post those of me in skimpy summer attire and no longer cringe! And the fact that I even wore shorts at all is quite new for me, and certainly enhanced an already wonderful experience!!
Please hover over each shot for the title or description of who or what it is of. I have purposely left off shots of some friends as they have said before that they’d have my head if I posted them without their permission…so only some people or shots are shown here, and hopefully are “g” rated and ok enough for all!!
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Thursday, July 15th, 2010
Weight: 192.5 lbs.
Need I say more?
Repeat after me: “one more day of work…!”
I can do this.
See you when we’re back and burnt and waterlogged and relaxed….
And thinner from all the swimming and nature walks!
I hope!
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2010
Weight: 192.1 lbs.
After working a long day and then taking numerous phone calls related to guests for our cottage week, Tom and I settled into mindless tv watching late last night. I landed on “Man V. Food” after hearing that the star was in town (Grand Island, NY) recently and filmed an episode at a local eatery that offers 42 oz. steaks, or something. I was hoping to catch that episode, but instead saw some of him eating first a 6 lb. omelet, and then one of him trying to eat a bucket of 50 chicken wings.
I was morbidly fascinated by how much he managed to pack away, and alternately how hungry yet nauseous watching him, made me feel. I can’t imagine that this guy hasn’t harderned every artery and organ already, and it amazes me that anyone can eat as much and as richly as he does, and not just die on the spot. On the other hand, I recall some major pork fests I indulged in without even for the benefit of getting on a wall of fame or winning a tee shirt or anything. And, without the noteriety and mega salary I am sure that he is making while clogging himself so publically.
If this wasn’t a sobering experience, I don’t know what is. Now when I see such massive indulgence, I think of how a small country(or eight bariatric patients) could be fed for weeks on the likes of what this one person consumed for show. Gak!
So, although I am no temple of nutritious, healthy and moderate eating myself, at least THAT beast has been tamed, and I can no longer eat endless quantities of food with abandon. In fact, Tom and I went out to dinner last night as I had some gift cards for Sean Patrick’s that were about to expire. I ordered chicken with spinach that came with soup and a potato. I did eat the whole cup of mushroom soup, a few bites of potato, and about a third of the chicken. But, then hit a wall, and was so stuffed I thought I would upchuck. I clearly could have stopped even sooner had I listened more carefully to my body. I was pleased to take the leftovers home, and know that in the past I would have consumed every bite plus a few baskets of bread for good measure.
My biggest problem is still related to the nibbling I do between meals or in the evenings. I do quite well typically with the meals themselves, but do tend to go overboard and make poor choices with snacking and restless eating not related to main meals. And its rarely related to true hunger even.
I am glad that I am learning to recognize my areas of weakness and vulnerability better, although admittedly don’t feel ready to make significant changes just yet.
But, it is a start, and at least I am no longer a contender for the (Wo)Man V. Food host position in the mean time!
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Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
Weight: 192.6 lbs.
I am burnt to a crisp, but happy this morning. We had a nice time swimming and visiting with Janet and her sister yesterday, and I am all summered out for the moment. It is probably a healthy thing for me to be back to work today, as it will keep me out of the sun and out of trouble with summer delicacies. Yesterday we walked for ice cream after being out and after eating a nice tuna salad luncheon…and I ordered an orange twist cone and relished every bite. I was torn between eating it and slathering it on my burnt skin, and either one would have been heavenly, sorry to say.
Also yesterday, the woman who owns the cottage called and asked if we wanted to come a whole day earlier (Friday at 10:00 instead of Saturday at 1:00) for just $60 more, and since I had already taken Friday off for packing and such, we decided to take her up on the offer. I am glad that my OCD has meant that we have already gotten much of our fussing, planning and packing done, so other than last minute shopping for perishables, laundry and a few other things, we are mostly good to go. I work late the next few nights, but will just have to stay up late to get the last of everything accomplished. It is well worth it, as now we will have a complete Saturday there, plus we can go to the Westfield Farmer’s Market on Saturday early and without a carload of stuff at the time. As a result, we will now be able to set up shop on Friday, enjoy a day alone there and be that much more welcoming to our Saturday guests. The rafts should be blown up and the cottage situated, this way too. How lucky we are to have had this fall into place as it has!
I am still trying to decide what to do about this blog in my absence, but since it is vacation and all, I think that I will just take a week off from it, and let it ride. In the past I have either gotten guest writers or tried to blog from afar, but I don’t see the need this time, especially as I haven’t had anything too exciting to report in some time anyway, and I bet everyone would like a vacation from my ramblings right along with me! They do have wi-fi at the cottage though, so who knows, I may at least check in with my laptop, or throw a blog or two out during the week. Or not.
What will likely be most interesting for me won’t be not writing so much, as not weighing daily. I will get a chance to live like a “normal” person for a week, and see at the end of it all, how I fared. Knowing me, I will probably do my usual hovering or maybe gain a little…but, since I will be living quite differently for a while, who knows for sure. Also, there are like a million steps to get down to the lake (and back up from it!), so I am also optimistic that this will not only be a good test of my stamina, but possibly count as good exercise that helps me burn calories as much as our basement equipment or better.
So, it seems as if Thursday may be my last post until we return on the 25th. Either that, or I will have died from sunburn, falling down the world’s steepest staircase, drowning in Lake Erie or drifting away in a raft, never to be seen again. Either way, I will go with a smile on my face!
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July 31st, 2010 | 
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